Letters I Sent To the Woman I Saw Inspecting Some Cantaloupes at the Grocery Store

Dear Melon Lady,

I’m sorry that I said “Nice tits” today while you were trying to determine which melon was the most ripe. It was supposed to be a joke, and I was supposed to say “melons” and not “tits.” I hope my little faux pas didn’t ruin your shopping experience.
-Aaron


Dear Melon Lady,

I should also clarify: when I meant to say “nice melons” to you, it was intended to refer to the cantaloupes you were looking at. After our little exchange, I realized that what I said could be misinterpreted as a double-entendre referring to both the ample size of the fruit and your gigantic boobs. This was not my intention.

I am also terribly sorry for touching them. I have no idea what that was all about.

So in summation, what should have happened today was me saying “nice melons” while you were holding melons, and you should have said “Thank you” and that was it.
 -Aaron


Dear Melon Lady,

I’m sorry to keep bothering you like this, but every time I replay the events in my head I realize that there are still some parts of our exchange today that may need further clarification.

 The reason I was naked this afternoon was because today is laundry day and I had run out of clean clothes to wear.  If, instead of screaming incessantly, you had looked inside my shopping cart, you would have noticed a value-sized bottle of detergent and a copy of Tiger Beat.

I hope we can chalk this up to a simple misunderstanding, and continue with our lives. I know that an old woman like you has little time left on earth and needs to make the most of it. I hope this explanation will give you sufficient closure and we can both move on from here.

 -Aaron

P.S. – Sorry about my erection.