Coach: Alright guys, we’re down by six with exactly enough time left on the clock for that crazy trick play I taught you which no one understood at the time but everyone now realizes is perfectly suited for our current situation. Now, I know a lot of you gave up hope for the season after our incredibly talented yet cocky star quarterback got injured during our first game, but through a combination of me alienating my wife by focusing too much on the team and a series of inspirational montages we managed to make it this far, and by God I’m not about to give up now!
Ricky: Hey, did we ever figure out how those montages helped us improve so much? I mean, we never did any exercise for longer than a few seconds. That doesn’t seem like a very effective training method.
Jason: It’s because we did them while listening to “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat.
Ricky: Oh, right.
Coach: Anyway, Bobby, I want you in as wide receiver for our last play.
Bobby: Me? But I’m so much smaller and less aggressive than the rest of the players on the team, symbolized by these glasses I’m wearing! I only started playing this season to try and impress my dad, who has never thought of me as highly as he has of my more athletic and handsome older brother!
Coach: Damn it, Bobby! Now look, I know that ever since budget cuts forced the school to hire me, the unassuming grizzled old janitor, as your coach, a lot of you have questioned my unorthodox training methods. But I thought I proved myself to you at that practice where I threw a perfect 80-yard spiral and opened up about how I used to play in college until injuries forced me to quit. Now answer me this: is your dad here?
Bobby: Yes.
Coach: And your older brother?
Bobby: Yeah.
Coach: And Lisa, the girl who was dating our cocky star quarterback that you’ve had a crush on since freshman year but been too shy to tell?
Bobby: Ye-wait, how did you know that?
Coach: Don’t worry about it. Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you can’t make a dramatic last-second catch that will simultaneously win us the game, win you your father’s respect, and make Lisa fall in love with you?
Ricky: That seems like a tall order for one catch.
Bobby: Well Coach, if you and the rest of this team, who at first rejected me due to my penchant for nerdy pursuits such as comic books and math but came to accept me after I was able to apply those interests to football somehow, really believe in me, then yeah, I can do it!
Coach: Well then let’s get out there and win this game for our economically devastated old-fashioned rural small town whose pride over their high school football team is all they have left!
(The team cheers and rushes out onto the field, where Bobby makes a dramatic game-winning catch despite running in slow-motion the entire time. The losing team, however, is not too upset, as, after fielding the first racially integrated team in their school’s history, they have learned that sometimes overcoming prejudices is more important than winning football games.)
iPhone Airplane Modes for Other Vehicles
The 25 Best Sitcom Couples
The 8 Stages of Staying Up All Night
Winter Pick-Up Lines
Job Interview Dos and Don'ts
15 Phrases You'll Hear During Finals Week, and What They Really Mean
Spending your Valentine's Day on the internet? This will make everything better.
Thoughts on Valentine's Day from people who are paid to be cynical bastards.
The 3D makes this movie look real...ly sucky
Your pet says a lot about you. But then, you have a gossipy parrot.
Guys try to surf without water, and somehow succeed.
Ice T is good, but this time of year it's all about CoCo
Yeah! And why did Microsoft make Bing when they can just use Google?
Valentine's Day was simpler back then. And creepier.
Hey! Get your real world out of my internet!
These guys are getting called out by the reeferee.
