Failed Apology Letters To Heaven

Dear Jesus,

    So, Easter is coming!  That’s a big holiday for you.  Which you are so welcome for!  Wow, that was inappropriate. Crap, this is ink.  Oh well.  Anyway, I’m really sorry that I betrayed you.  When I saw that you were being crucified, you have no idea how much it hurt me.  I was never in so much pain.  I can’t make you understand the agony.  If it helps, I hung myself.  Hanged myself. Whatever.

Luckily, it didn’t hurt at all.  Neck broke right away.  Isn’t that great?  I didn’t even feel it.  And I did it in this field that I bought with your blood money.  I have to say, it was nice to become a land-owner before I died.  The economy was pretty bad, but I made it happen.  But anyway.  Gossip around the watercooler says that there’s this thing about how you’re supposed to come down here to take all the sinners up to heaven to hang with you and God.  Any idea when that’s gonna happen?  Just curious.  But seriously.  Come visit anytime.

     Say hey to Peter for me!

     Love,
       Judas


Dear Julius,

    Hey!  How are you doing?  Having fun up there in those Elysian Fields? I bet you are.  I mean, I know that you killed a bunch of people, but I think that you earned some eternal peace.  But hey, I was a pretty good guy, too, up until I helped all those people who you thought were your friends to betray and murder you.  We all make mistakes.  And it was all Cassius’ idea, really. 

I had a really painful death, too, if that makes you feel any better.  And I did it by falling on my own sword, so I’ve got the whole betrayal/murder and the suicide thing

going for me.  Double whammy for eternal damnation!  But, you know, it’s pretty bad down here.  I’d kill myself again if I could!  Lol.

But it’d be great if you’d take a little ride down on the River Styx and say hi. I’m sure you’ve got some influence up there, you can probably pull some strings.  But you know what?  It’s pretty hellish (get it?), you probably wouldn’t like it.  So, just have one of your buddies pick me up, and I’ll totally come see you up there in paradise.  It would be no bother at all.  Anyway, hit me back when you get the chance!

     Yours truly,
          Brutus

P.S.  Remember how I was like a son to you?

Dear God,

    So, I was just hanging around, burning with my minions, and I realized that it has been a long time since I apologized to you.  We used to be so tight with each other!  What happened to us, man?  And before you start on me, yes, I remember the war that I started in heaven, and yes, I remember how I tried to turn all of your angels against you, but that was a long time ago, right?  And your son is so big on forgiveness—I be that he learned that somewhere, huh?  And I know that he’s kind of touchy on the subject of betrayal, but Judas is doing great down here, and he told me at breakfast this morning that Jesus might be coming down for a visit.  Why don’t you come, too?

     We can make a little picnic of it, catch up on some things.  But you know what?  Lakes of fire aren’t so good for picnics.  So, here, I’ll bring some food and Judas up to you.  How’s that sound?  Jesus and Judas can make up and have some fun together while you and I discuss old times and how forgiveness is the most important virtue of all.  Just name the date, and I am so good to go!

     Miss you!

     Sincerely,
        Lucifer