If Treadmills Could Talk

Treadmill: Oh hey there. Long time no see. Lucky for me you’ve compensated by bringing more to see.

Me: What? 

Treadmill: Hmm?  Sorry…didn’t catch that. Please select your workout program.

Me: Cardio.

Treadmill: Please enter your weight.

Me  Oh geez, I don’t even own a scale. Last time I weighed myself it was like 120 pounds or something.

Treadmill: (snickers.)

Me: Excuse me? 

Treadmill: Oh, sorry. Just laughing about something I heard earlier. Please select your age.

Me: 23.

Treadmill: Really? Never would’ve guessed that.

Me: I know right? People always say I look younger.

Treadmill: Yes…younger…exactly what I was thinking. Please select the length of your workout.

Me: 20 minutes.

Treadmill: Hey, good for you. All those experts saying you should work out for 30 minutes a day…you show them!

Me: Well you know, I had to walk here from the parking lot. And I’ll have to walk back after this…

Treadmill: Psh, I was being serious. You jiggle that ass in the face of their “facts!” You gasp for air in the—

Me: Just start.

Treadmill: 3…2…1…and oh hey, you’ve only got 19 minutes and 57 seconds left. 56 seconds. 55 seconds. 54 seconds.

Me: Can you talk about something else?

Treadmill: Sure. Oh wow, you’ve already managed to get your Heart Rate up to 163.  Normally that takes at least a few minutes of actual running and you’re only at Speed Level 2 and it’s only been—

Me: Something else.

Treadmill: Check it out. You’ve burned 4 Calories. That easily makes up for that bag of Cheetos you had for breakfast. It’s like you’ve transformed into a super model before my very eyes.

Me: Really? Because I was actually starting to feel a bit thinner…

Treadmill: Really?  Because I was joking at your expense. 17 minutes and 29 seconds left.

Me: (glares.)

Treadmill: Man you’re like a panting, sweating, gasping sex machine. If you survive to the end of this you’ll have to beat the guys away with a stick. You still have the ugly stick God smacked you around with don’t you? Or did it snap in two when he got to your fa—

Me: Aaand we’re done. Stop workout. 

Treadmill: Ah come on now! I was just warming up!