If I Were a Superhero

Why are characters that discover they have superpowers always so whiney? “Oh NO! I can fly and/or make fire explode out of my hands. My life as a boring normal person is over! People are going to be scared of me and call me a freak. What ever will I do!?” HOW ABOUT YOU SET THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLY AWAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE AWESOME SUPER POWERS AND THEY DON’T.

I’m so sick of emo superheroes. If I had superpowers I would use them ALL the time. And if people decided to oppress me, I’d break them over my knee and punt them into outerspace. LET’S HEAR YOU SONSOFBITCHES GUFFAW FROM SPACE. (Note: If it weren’t for there being no sound in space, I would undoubtedly be able to hear their guffaws with my super hearing.)

“But the government! They’re going to track you down and experiment on you!” That’s why I have super powers, asshole; to fight people and blow shit up. Even if they killed me, I’d still go down like a total champ. How did you want to die, anyway? Old age? Heart attack? Great, you’re gonna die from eating too many hamburgers. EXCITING.

Let me paint a picture for you. I’m flying around in the sky, being all super and shit. The government decides I need to be contained, but I’m all like “Nah.” So they send the army after me. I’m all like, “I don’t want to fight you cause you aren’t bad guys, you’re just ignorant,” but they’re all like “F you, we’re gonna straight up kill you because you have superpowers and we’re scared of that.” They start firing at me, and I respond appropriately by throwing fireballs. I either win and look like a total badass or lose and go down in a blaze of glory like King Kong getting shot off the Empire State Building.

If there’s one thing television has taught me, it’s that superheroes are as attractive as they are whiney; which is why the only time I’d ever act like a melodramatic super-emo is when I’m deceiving superheroines into having sex with me. I’d pretend to identify with feeling like an outcast, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then sleep with them. Follow that up with a game of space football and I’d have myself an awesome day.

Best. Life. Ever.