Our Digital Age has brought about many useful things, but unfortunately with great technology comes great douchebaggery. Here are some people whose emails, voicemails and Facebook messages you just shouldn’t return:
The Bluetooth Headset Guy
A classic but a goodie, Bluetooth Headset Guy is the biggest douche of all. He typically chews gum like an a-hole and on the rare occasion he actually gets a phone call, you can bet he will yell into that bluetooth headset just to let you know he has friends, or of course, important business to attend to. He wears his pants a little too high and readjusts his belt in public, winking as hot girls pass to see if they notice his cheap cologne. This guy is not your bro. He is just a douche.
The Angry Internet Commenter
We’ve all encountered them, at least virtually. The AIC’s main objective is to massively irritate other commenters by being ridiculously obnoxious online. It’s hard to feel sorry for these douches, but you know they lash out as they’re super nerdy kids who probably get beat up every day of school. So, if you’ve ever been “pwnd” or called “ghey”, inadvertently got involved in a flame war or had your loving mother called some names you can’t repeat, fear not. Just remember that your pwning skills could match theirs if you also spent 14 hours a day on the internet.
The IM Talking Chick
This chick spends so much time online that when she finds herself in IRL social situations she can barely contain her excitement, squealing IM acronyms such as “LOL” or “OMG” to her unfortunate counterparts. She might seem like a normal person until you discover that she is barely ever AFK and eats exclusively at TGI Friday’s.
ILLustration by Caroline Kercher.
Amazing Dad Magic
Winter Pick-Up Lines
15 Phrases You'll Hear During Finals Week, and What They Really Mean
What Everyone in Your Family is Bringing for Thanksgiving
Every Time a Bell Rings
Pop-Up Notifications in Real Life
Hot athletic girls working a pole
Put that English degree to work over-analyzing beloved children's entertainment.
A good resource if you base you fantasy football team on great hair.
Dear roommate, please stop leaving your notes everywhere.
Cody Kennedy. Not pictured: clothes.
Don't tell me where Waldo is. Now you've ruined it.
This injustice will not stand. Largely due to the packaging.
It's rare to find sculptures of this caliber
For those who understand data sets, but not the mysteries of the heart
Just a few more quarters... I know I can get this baby.
