Twas the Night before Chuck Norris

Twas the night before Tet Nguyen, when all through the sea
Not a commie was stirring, not even VC.
The ammo was hung by the chimney with care,
In fear that great Chuck Norris soon would be there.

The corpsmen were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Napalm strikes danced in their heads.
And Chi-Min in his bunker, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the gate there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sack to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and prepared quite fast.

The flares lit on the breast of the new-C.O.
Gave the lustre of mid-day to tracers below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,.
The great Chuck Norris, with cans of whoopass and fear

With the kick of Lone Wolf McQuade, deadly and quick,
I knew in a moment we commies were licked.
More rapid than eagles his roundhouses spread,
And he flexed, shouted, and kicked all in the head!

“Now Top Dog! Delta Force! Firewalker, Dodgeball!
Silent Rage! An Eye for an Eye! Sidekicks and Martial law!  
To the Lone Wolf, McQuade! Invasion U.S.A!
Now it’s 2, The beginning, M.I.A”

As graceful yet strong when the wild hurricane fly,
Great Chuck Norris did crouch, and pointed to the sky.
So up to the house-top the badass-ness flew,
fierce, the beard of Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris too.

After myself peeing, I heard the gunfire,
and pleads of commies drawing his ire.  
As I drew in my head, and was turning, afraid,
Through the ceiling Chuck Norris punched, holding grenades.

He was covered in blood, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of guns he had flung on his back,
And he looked like the reaper, just ready to attack.


His eyes-how they pierced! His body so hairy!
His fists were rocks, I screamed bloody Mary!
His stone chiseled face with eyes lit afire,
And the beard of his chin was made from garrote wire.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And killed all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And giving the finger in front of my nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his chopper, we communists could breathe,
And away he flew leaving the VC to grieve.
But I heard him exclaim, as I counted my luck,
“Happy CHRISTMAS to you all, and don’t fuck with Chuck!”