Porn Man-Law

Porn is a good thing, but it could be better. “How is that possible?” one may ask. What could be better than hot chicks performing deeds that would be considered inappropriate for typical dinnertime discussion? And they do it all for my viewing pleasure, to boot. Inspired by the open letter to the “creepy porn cameraman,” these Man-Laws will both protect the interest and, in part, lessen the impact of the very group that bears its name – man.

1. ALL audio of male participants shall be removed from the film. This applies to actors and directors/cameramen/creeps and includes speaking, grunting, groaning and any other sound. If a movie is not gonzo, and attempts to include a plot, it may only involve female voices.

2. The male’s face may be only shown when he is kissing the female actress(es). It is unlawful (and in bad taste) to cut to the male face right before release or after an extended shot of a female.

3. a) Females may perform oral on a male, but can never toss his salad.
   
    b) The male’s ass, taint, anus and curled toes may not be shown at ANY time.
 
4. No gay shit.

5. Female stars must do a m/f anal scene within the first four (4) months or ten (10) films (whichever comes first) of her career, or shall retire from the business. Recommended future careers: stripper, secretary, substitute teacher.

6. Females shall not overact by constantly screaming loudly or saying things like, “Fuck my ass,” “Give it to me,” “Oh God,” etc. It is perfectly acceptable to breathe heavily or moan softly.

7. All females must be shaved, or groomed at the very least, around the vagina. Ass hair is subject to severe punishment. Scars, bruises and blemishes must be concealed as much as possible. It is the director’s discretion to decide if they are to be allowed at all.

8. Female stars must either retire or receive surgical renovation once the labium minora extends past the labium majora. That shit’s gross.

9. Condoms are optional.  In fact, they’re discouraged.

10. No fat chicks. Big titties are not an excuse.

The above regulations are associated with Section 2257 of Title 18, United States Code, with respect to all videotape and images applying to adult entertainment.