An issue for every day of the year.
(You don't count May through August, right?)
"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."
Proud Thoughts on Obama's InaugurationThis must be how white people felt when George Washington became President.
My dog threw up yesterday all over my hand, because that's what I shoved down its mouth.
They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?
What do you call an ugly girl with no arms? Sorry I meant, "Why."
Time MachinesIs the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?
Drug TestI figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns it they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.
Reflexive Slam"Hey, 1984 called they want their insult structure back."
Examples of Tommy Lee Jones and the Judicial System Being Wrong1. The Fugitive
3. Double Jeopardy
I wish I lived in Alabama so my state was at the top of drop down menus. NO other reason.
I think the government should give delicious meat coats to the homeless next winter. No one should have to be cold and hungry. They should be able to choose their fate.
If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a DoctorDr. Seuss: I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock everywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.
Patient: Are you
Places I'd Like to Go Before I DieThe hospital.
The deli I go to has a sign that says, "This line bagels only." I sometimes like to pretend I'm living in a racist cartoon world.
They say dog is man's best friend. Which makes the fact that my girlfriend slept with my dog even more unacceptable.
What All Fortune Cookies Should SayYou are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.
The more I hear my friends talk about "whackin' it" the more I think I'm doing it wrong.
Loser:I'm into Nickleback.
Mega-Loser:I was into Nickleback before they were cool.
When I was in the 6th grade the bigger kids would constantly beat me up. So I started working out every day after school, and before I knew it I was strong enough to break open my dad's gun chest.
Even though both of my parents are dead, no one really calls me an orphan. They usually call me a murderer.