"The "Slightly Better of 105%" 105th Issue Spectacular" by 105%-O-Matic

An issue for every day of the year.
(You don't count May through August, right?)

"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.

-Adam Newman

I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."

-Marc Butcavage

Proud Thoughts on Obama's Inauguration

This must be how white people felt when George Washington became President.

-Tim C.

My dog threw up yesterday all over my hand, because that's what I shoved down its mouth.

-Shawn Pearlman

They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?

-Rene Benavidez

What do you call an ugly girl with no arms? Sorry I meant, "Why."

-Amir Blumenfeld

Time Machines

Is the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?

-Japser Japser

Drug Test

I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns it they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.

-Conor McKeon

Reflexive Slam

"Hey, 1984 called – they want their insult structure back."

-Dan Gurewich

Examples of Tommy Lee Jones and the Judicial System Being Wrong

1. The Fugitive
2.US Marshals
3. Double Jeopardy

-John Brodish

I wish I lived in Alabama so my state was at the top of drop down menus. NO other reason.

-Travis Morton

I think the government should give delicious meat coats to the homeless next winter. No one should have to be cold and hungry. They should be able to choose their fate.

-Kevin Corrigan

If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a Doctor

Dr. Seuss: I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock everywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.
Patient: Are you… high?

-Giancarlo Fiorentini

Places I'd Like to Go Before I Die

The hospital.

-Tyler Brummet

The deli I go to has a sign that says, "This line bagels only." I sometimes like to pretend I'm living in a racist cartoon world.

-Jeff Rubin

They say dog is man's best friend. Which makes the fact that my girlfriend slept with my dog even more unacceptable.

-David Cho

What All Fortune Cookies Should Say

You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.

-Nghia Nguyen

The more I hear my friends talk about "whackin' it" the more I think I'm doing it wrong.

-Zach Hendi

Loser:I'm into Nickleback.
Mega-Loser:I was into Nickleback before they were cool.

Streeter Seidell

When I was in the 6th grade the bigger kids would constantly beat me up. So I started working out every day after school, and before I knew it I was strong enough to break open my dad's gun chest.

-Patrick Cassels

Even though both of my parents are dead, no one really calls me an orphan. They usually call me a murderer.

-Gabe L.

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