Letters from Oprah's Book Club

06/30/08
Dear Readers-

A few years ago, you may recall our selection of bestselling memoir A Million Little Pieces came under fire after the revelation that numerous elements of that work were exaggerated, or outright fictionalized. Tears were shed, voices cried out in confusion, but together we rose above those difficult times by focusing all our anger and hate on that lying whore-son author James Frey.

My friends, I am a trusting, loving person. So this month, when my assistant brought me a copy of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code, I thanked her and looked forward to reading the true memoirs of an adventuring, albino-fighting cryptologist. Well, it was certainly thrilling. But was it true? According to this Wikipedia article I just read, no. It wasn’t.

And now Dan Brown must burn for his trespass.

I will not be made a fool of again. While we’re waiting for my lawyers to locate and eviscerate Mr. Brown, let’s try to put this behind us and look forward to next month’s exciting selection: The Fellowship of the Ring, which looks to be an inspiring memoir about a struggling family of Little People competing to win an obscure New Zealand marathon race.

With love,
-Oprah


07/31/08
Dear Readers-

Looking back, it has now come to my attention that numerous narrative details in The Fellowship of the Ring may have also been embellished or fictionalized. Attempts to reach this author have failed, but we have composed a list of possible untruths within the text:

- Geographic inconsistencies
- Ghostly Wraith Kings
- An apparent exaggeration of the size of eagles

As you know, we at Oprah’s Book Club strive to bring you the best inspiring true memoirs every month, and we assure you that this discovery comes as much of a shock to us as it does to you, our loyal readers. All of our fact checkers have been severely reprimanded, and I assure you that I will personally have the vile Mr. Tolkien dragged forth from his snake pit and crucified on national television, so that we may delight at his bloodied cries.

Have a wonderful day! And while you’re out, be sure to pick up a copy of next month’s book: Charlotte’s Web.

With love,
-Oprah


08/31/08
Dear Readers-

HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS INSPIRING TRUE MEMOIR A TALKING PIG WROTE.

Oh my god!  Wow- we’ve been through some tough times these past few months, but all that pales in comparison to what this poor swine author has been put through. When I think about all the pigs out there that secretly can talk and secretly write inspiring memoirs about all their barnyard friends and their narrow escape from the butcher’s knife, I just fall apart. Friends, I am blown away. Wow. Just… wow. This one shook me to the core. And I ate ham at breakfast today, too! Oh man, I just- I’ve gotta go do some thinking.

You know what? Book club over. Nothing can top this.

Holy living fuck,
-Oprah