"Issue One Hundred and Six" by 105%-O-Matic

Keys made while you wait. Though not necessarily yours.

I thought of the only good Nicolas Cage movie the other day. It's a documentary in which Nicolas Cage is legally forbidden from making any more movies

-Chris Trusk

Buddhist Suicide Note

BRB, cruel world!

-Brendan Bell

I saw a t-shirt that said "raaaaaawr means 'I love you' in dinosaur." That can't be right, that's what my dinosaur said before she broke up with me.

-Samuel Center

Hay fever and disco fever are very similar. The only difference is with disco fever you're snorting cocaine not snot.

-Kenny Davis

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch'.

-Anony Mous

Optical illusions are psychedelic drugs for pussies.

-Harpreet C

Guy who still quotes "Wayne's World", but is at least trying to stay topical

"I once thought I had swine flu for an entire year…turns out I was just really bored."

-Adam Newman

I'm Going to Hell

I recently attended a ceremony in honor of purple heart recipients. I saw a wheelchair-bound marine there with two stubs for legs, and I thought "How tacky, he's wearing shorts."

-Mike South

A sign at the Los Angeles International Airport reads "LAX Security." That doesn't fill me with confidence.

-Shawn Pearlman

If God exists, why do bad things happen to good people without me getting to watch and laugh?

-Patrick Cassels

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