Roommate Confessions: Issue 76

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

At some point during the year my roommate decided it was cool to eat all my food. The only thing that ever remained untouched was canned tuna, so at the end of first semester I bought a case that came with 24 cans. Seeing as how he’d left early for break, I put in for a room transfer, got it approved, then unloaded the tuna everywhere — in his dresser, pillow, desk drawers, and finally into the A/C unit which I then set on high heat to run continuously over the break. Life sure is sweet sometimes. Others it just smells of rotting tuna.
Jeremy Englehart, Winthrop

Remember when my cousins came in from Pennsylvania and we threw a party at the apartment? Remember when you came out of your room at 10:30 PM on a Saturday and kicked everyone out? Well we were the ones who greased up the stairs outside your room real good. That wasn’t beer from the party. Who knew you’d fall down the stairs and crack your hip and miss the remainder of the volleyball season. Asshole!
R J, Ramapo College

My roommate is a complete dick who thinks he’s a real ladies man. I mean that prick is the guy with the popped collar and sunglasses in the club. You know when you really liked that girl and said that you would be heartbroken if she got with anyone else even though you weren’t with her and you treat girls like shit? I just want to share with CollegeHumor the pain you feel now. Remember the party we threw a few weeks back when she was there? We planned for you to “get something from the bathroom” only to walk in on her performing a sex act upon myself. I then proceeded to bang her all night long in the room next to yours making sure we were extremely loud. Also, we heard you crying on the phone to your mom, pussy. Stop being a dick, thinking you are the only human that has any importance. You’ll know who you are when you read this, but don’t disturb me as I’m probably busy banging her. I feel no shame.

T.K., School Not Given

It pisses me off that YOU were the one that made the rule “if either of us brings a guy back to our dorm room, stick a post it on the door to let the other person know not to walk in”, yet you have walked in on me and my boyfriend 20+ times. You blast terrible music on your ghetto speakers, you are a SLOB, every time you come home from the gym you throw your sweaty sneakers in our shard closet, stinking it up, and worst of all, EVERY MONTH WHEN YOU GET YOUR PERIOD, YOU’D TAKE OFF YOUR UNDERWEAR WITH THE BLOODY PAD STILL STUCK ON… AND YOU’D LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR, a pile of your menstrual blood STINK, but you still complain every night that I hurt your eyes because I stay up late to do work for my double major while you’re a dumb blonde Californian that’s failing in every class (I saw your report card). Well honey, here’s what I (and with various help) did to pay you back for all those great memories: ever wonder why your bed always reeked? Well we peed into an empty Febreze can and would spray your sheets down while you were in class, we ate all your food and blamed it on “the mice”, we’d take the cash you’d leave on your desk ($276 and counting), my boyfriend and I had sex on your bed once (minutes after you left from putting fresh sheets on), put starch on your dirty clothes so when you dumped them in the washer, they would come out so stiff you can’t wear them, and all the clothes/accessories that seemed to have “mysteriously disappeared” well we donated most of it to goodwill (they were thrilled) and sold the rest. Have fun in college!P.S. One day, I almost slipped from stepping on a pill bottle. It was yours. I didn’t recognize the name so I Googled it. Turns out it was a strong medication for herpes. I nearly pissed myself from laughing so hard. Now every time I see you at the same party, I tell all the guys there to be nice to you because you have a disease (they don’t end up anywhere near you though, I wonder why!). They all believe me ‘caus i’m the roommate. Cheers, bitch.
Christina B, Massachusetts

Remember over spring break my X-Box 360 magically broke even though I heard you confess to our other roommate that you dropped it? Well, I have been thinking about how to get you back and I finally did. You know how your family has that farm? And all of a sudden all of the pigs died and you and your family swore it was the swine-flu? Well, it wasn’t. I drove out to your farm and put anti-freeze in their water trough. That will teach you to break my X-Box and not replace it.
Paul Ludowissi, UW-Oshkosh

Submit yours here!