Your body freaks out about swine flu

Brain: Hey everybody, thanks for coming in early. As you know there’s a serious threat from this swine flu, and we need to make sure that…

White Blood Cells: Zzzzzzz….

Brain: Hey! Guys! Wanna pay attention, please?

White Blood Cells: Relax, boss. He started taking a multi-vitamin like 2-days ago, it’s cool.

Brain: It’s cool?

White Blood Cells: Yeah dawg. You seen what’s in those things? 100% daily value niacin, yo, iron and mofuggin’ ZINC. We on cruise control, b.

Brain: It doesn’t work like that. You still have to do your jobs no matter how many vitamins he takes. Now get the hell up to the nasal passages and do a sweep, double time!!

Lungs: Friggin’ white trash. If their phagocytes weren’t so damn good I’d tell Kidneys to flush those snowflakes out next time he goes drinking.

Brain: Easy there, SpongeBob. If those viral SOB’s get in here, the only thing between you and them is going to be those “snowflakes.”

Lungs: Yeah, you’re right. Sometimes I see an old timer that fought the Chicken Pox way back when. They’re barely even cells anymore, freaking out every time a platelet bumps into them. I gotta hand it to those guys.

Tonsils: You know they’re not the only ones out there fighting the bad guys.

Lungs: Oh please. You’re like the mall security of the immune system.

Uvula: Or the Maginot Line…

Tonsils: Shut up! Remember that drunk Streptococcus that wandered in last month trying to start shit? We trapped him in mucous until the phagocytes came and finished him off.

Uvula: Yeah but all you did was hold him until the real guys showed up. It was like a citizen’s arrest.

Tongue: And you were sore for like a week after.

Balls: Stop fighting guys, this is way more serious than you all think. We’re actually on standby for “Operation Noah’s Ark.”

Tonsils: What’s that?

Brain: It’s a doomsday scenario. If the whole body is in imminent danger of shutting down, Operation Noah’s Ark calls for the widest distribution of genetic material possible. The most effective method for that HAPPENS to be sexual intercourse… and because of that certain parts don’t understand it’s actually a last resort survival option.

Lungs: So why is it called “Operation Noah’s Ark?”

Brain: (sigh) Because it calls for the banging of two of every kind LOOK PEOPLE we don’t have time for this! Yes things are serious, but we’re nowhere near that kind of threatcon level yet.

Penis: As an impartial and objective observer, I think you should implement Operation Noah’s Ark immediately. Balls?

Balls: We concur.

Brain: No! And this isn’t even the first time you three suggested it this week. You wanted me to call it when he hit his head getting out of the car AND when he accidentally ate a hot pepper.

Penis: Both were potentially lethal situations.

Balls: Hey, who’s giggling?

Nose: Tee hee, tee hee. Stop it! Oh that feels so good. We shouldn’t. Oh!

Fingers: Shh, easy baby. No one will notice…let me dig on in there…

Nose: Oh God! You’re so deep!

Fingers: Gimme that boogey! Who’s boogey is that?!

Nose: It’s your’s!

Brain: Busted! Nose, you should be ashamed of yourself. You could be ground zero for this thing, but instead of paying attention you’re getting your itch on with this guy? That’s exactly what the swine flu wants!

Nose: He told me he cares about me!

Brain: Yeah? Then why was he saying the same things to Ass last night looking for an easy scratch.

Fingers: Baby, I can explain…

Nose: That’s why you smelled so bad last night? You told me it was from all you can eat riblets! You liar!

White Blood Cells: Hang loose, dawgs. We’ve been all around this piece, ya’ll got nothing to worry about. All quiet, and ain’t no one getting up in here without goin’ through us.

Stomach: Plus he just dropped another multi-vitamin a few minutes ago.

White Blood Cells: Mofuggin’ ZINC!!