Reviews For The Next Six Indiana Jones Movies

Indy 5 – Indiana Jones and the Scepter of Shaman-Ra
With Ford declining to return, Shia LaBeouf takes over the title role. Sidekick duties are taken up by series newcomer Joe Jonas, who appears as Indy’s orphaned Chinese nephew in a performance most critics call “breathtakingly racist.” Crew’s apathy is apparent, and impressive CGI fails to cover fact that the film’s third act plagiarizes directly from National Lampoon’s “Animal House”.


Indy 6- Indiana Jones and the Cross of Coronado
Encouraged by recent advances in digital effects, Ford agrees to return for prequel and stars as infant, prepubescent, and adolescent versions of Jones. Despite casting of in-demand starlet Elle Fanning as Jones’ love interest, audiences react negatively to the film, describing the digitally-altered Ford as “grotesque,” “disturbing,” and “strangely hypnotic.”


Indy 7- Pixar Presents: Indiana Jones and the New Indiana Jones Movie
As evidenced by film’s working title (“Indiana Jones and the Fuck It”), Pixar noticeably phones it in, stemming perhaps from the studio’s complete and total domination of all forms of entertainment. Low point reached when Indy’s trademark bullwhip inexplicably transforms into Whipper, a wisecracking sidekick voiced by Chris Tucker Junior. Fans rush to call it “worst Indiana Jones ever”, but are later proven wrong when Dreamworks acquires rights to sequel, all public record of which has since been eradicated.


Indy 8- Indiana Jones and the Defeated American Slave-Pigs
Although confusingly labeled a sequel, 90% of the film is simply footage from the original trilogy re-cut to portray Nazis in a more heroic light, a bias some connect to the disastrous outcome of World War VII. Despite the other 10% of the film mainly featuring Jones trying on dresses and questioning the sexual potency of early American leaders, it breaks box office records due to it’s tagline, “Indiana Jones! The Alternative Is Immediate Execution.”


Indy 9- Indiana Jones and the Chamber of the Space Vizier
A gritty series reboot taking place entirely in outer space. Unfortunately, the recent invention of quasar-sails make Indy’s on-screen reliance on mass-sliding plasma engines  laughably quaint and pedestrian. Additionally, film’s serious adult tone compromised by now infamous “moon bathroom” sequence.


Indy 10  – Indiana Jones and the End of Days
Critically revered and adored by fans, the appeal of the stunning visuals and compelling narrative is somewhat undercut by film’s documentary status. Spielberg’s continued presence as director, along with his blood-soaked dominion over the Hellgate formerly known as Australia, lends credence to rumors of a possible pact with the Beast. God help us all.