A GoldenEye N64 Henchmen Reports Back to His Superiors

Commander: Lt., what the hell happened out there? I’m getting reports of massive causalities from all units. I thought we were up against just one man!

Lt.: Yes, sir. It was a massacre.

Commander: What’s this I’m hearing about an explosion? I wasn’t aware Bond had gained access to our explosives.

Lt.: He hadn’t, sir. Lt.  Smith was pursuing the target armed only with proximity mines- just throwing them right at him. Things got ugly when Smith got stuck in a corner. Damn things blew him straight to high hell.

Commander: Of all the unbelievable-

Lt.: Smith had never been to that level before, sir, and those corners are difficult to spot. It wasn’t really fair.

Commander: But why in God’s name was he unarmed?

Lt.: Sir, if you’ll recall, we no longer equip our men before combat. It’s much easier to just leave guns and ammo lying around on the battlefield.

Commander: How did we lose the others?

Lt.: Well, sir… Bond retrieved the Golden Gun.

Commander: He found the Golden Gun? Did you leave it in a dark corner like I asked?

Lt.: Yes, sir.

Commander: How dark?

Lt.: Very dark, sir.

Commander: Damn. There’s no way we could have foreseen this. Well, were you at least able to eliminate the target?

Lt.: Well, sir, I was able to corner Bond once he ran out of ammo. I had him point blank.

Commander: And…?

Lt.: He fell to his knees and began to slap me. So I ran.

Commander: You ran from an unarmed man?

Lt.: Yes, sir. It’s damn near impossible to hit a man on his knees. And he was slapping me very hard.

Commander: Son, I’d like you to forget what you’ve seen here today. I’m writing you up as mostly harmless and ending this discussion.

Lt.: Thank you, sir.

Commander: And, son?

Lt.: Yes, sir?

Commander: Your head is enormous. Get that checked out.