Wendell Blatt's 8th Grade Graduation Speech

Principal Smith: Hello graduating class of 2009! I want to introduce to you our salutatorian AKA the smartest kid at school who still looks retarded compared to Wendell Blatt. Here she is, Mindy Kang.

Mindy: Hey everyone. I don’t have much to say…

Stephanie McKinley’s Mom: Boo! Bring out Wendell Blatt, he’s so cool!

Randy: Yeah right, Wendell wears sweatpants all the time. Even in the Summer.

Stephanie McKinley’s Mom: Wow, you’re stupid and annoying. Sweats are comfy and practical. Plus I like seeing Wendell’s huge bulge.

Mindy: I just want to say that even though my grades were better than Wendell’s everyone knows he’s the smartest kid at school. He just doesn’t have to prove it by doing math.

Principal Smith: No sh*t.

Mindy: In conclusion. I wish I weren’t such a prissy Chinese bitch, and Wendell has lots of trophies for wrestling and other sports that he participated in in another town because he kicked too much ass to do it in our town.

Principal Smith: Thanks Mindy. That was terrible. Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for- Wendell Blatt!

The Crowd: (chanting) Wen-dell! Wen-dell! Wen-dell!

Wendell: Parents, teachers, students, and most importantly, Cynthia Lipton.

Cynthia Lipton moans loudly from the audience.

Cynthia: Wow, I just had an orgasm. Just from Wendell saying my name.

Wendell: It has been a wild ride. We worked hard, we played harder.

Mr. Blatt: I’m proud of you, son!

Mrs. Blatt: Your father is moving out of that condo downtown and back into the house!

Mrs. Blatt’s new boyfriend, Craig: And I found out I’m gay and dying of SARS!

Mrs Blatt: (Pumping her fist) Yes!

Wendell: I just wanna say one last thing.

Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray appears on stage.

Mark McGrath: Say it? Why don’t you sing it? (He throws Wendell an electric guitar.) One thing, only the best guitarists in the world can get a sound out of my guitar. I doubt you can do it…

Wendell pounds a power chord. The sound is stunning. Cynthia Lipton has another orgasm.

Mark McGrath: Now YOU’RE the lead singer of my band.

Wendell: (Singing) Oooh! Oh, oooh! I will miss you all. I will see you in the Fall! And I won’t see you till then because I’m going on a cross country road trip with my dad! It will be the best time we ever had! Now everyone!

Everyone: Wendell, you blow us away! Everyone is gay, compared to you. Wendell, Cynthia wants to blow you today! No matter what those haters say, she wants to blow you.

Cynthia: I do-oo!

Wendell: Thanks everyone, I’ll see you next Fall- unless I go to that vocational high school where I learn about being an electrician which is a fun and high paying job.

The crowd gives a standing ovation.