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"Cool" Dad at the Party, Translated

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I’m not uptight like other adults.
My son’s friends are jealous that their dads aren’t this cool.
All the girls here find my jokes hilarious.
I should play beer pong!
Everyone’s laughing at my hilarious antics!
My son is so proud of me.
I’ve still got it!
Where’s the after party?
Best. Night. Ever!
You guys want to party next weekend?
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"Can you please make this shittier? Thanks."

I work at a popular italian restaurant as a food/kitchen runner. Sucks. A woman ordered a salad. She sent the salad back complaining that the vegetables in the salad were too "crispy and fresh." She asked for us to put it in the microwave with butter. People are simply ridiculous.

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