Dating, It's Complicated: Issue #1

The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is on summer break.  Welcome our newest weekly column, Dating, It’s Complicated, written by Jason Michaels. 

-Street

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Dating someone?  Well great!  Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrasing dating related stories to me at dating.itscomplicated[at]gmail.com!

You know the predictive text option on Nokia phones? Did you know that the word “in” comes up before “go”? Long story short, “So, do you wanna in out sometime?” didn’t hit the subtle, sophisticated note I was going for.
-Phil, Dublin

One night my girlfriend and I were laying on her bed, and in between make-out sessions, she rubbed her foot across my leg. She commented on how long and fluffy my socks were. I was wearing shorts, and she was feeling my legs.

-Anonymous

When I just started masturbating I knew you had to use lotion, but that is all I knew. So, when I heard the saying, “slapping the salami,” I took it very serious. I would sit in my bathroom, lotion up my hands, and then slap my penis until it hurt too bad. It took me about two weeks to find out I was an idiot.
-Mike, Eastern

I had been dating this girl for a couple of weeks. She was pretty, athletic, smart, and a little crazy (but what girl isn’t). She was all I could hope for and things were going very well, to say the least. Then, one day, we were getting hot and heavy. As a favor to her and a testament to our blossoming relationship, I decided to give her a special “kiss”. I was doing my best work and she was loving it. Then, out of nowhere (but really, you know where), the slight taste of copper enters my mouth. I look down to find my fingers covered in blood. What. The. Fuck. She said I must have triggered it since this was almost two weeks prior to her regular time of the month. She was also not a virgin, so don’t think I’m an idiot an don’t know what a hymen is. The relationship entered an awkward/bitter/why-would-you-ever-do-this-to-me, my-world-is-crumbling-down-around-me phase. Needless to say, we were broken up in no more than a month. I have not fully recovered. Any time I become intimate with a girl these days, I’m haunted by the memory and often experience sudden bouts of ED.
-Don’t Use My Name

Two summers ago I went to a party at a friend’s apartment. We stayed and took shots for an hour and then everyone decided to leave and go to a party that was a 15 minute walk away. When I got to the party, I immediately felt like I had to diahhrea so I looked around for an open bathroom but (like always) they were all full. So, after a few minutes of panicking, I left the apartment and found a portapotty that was in an un-lit construction site. I jumped the fence, took a very dirty shit, then found out there was no toilet paper. After somewhat whiping in the pitch dark with my socks, I left and went back to meet up with my friends. Two hours later we decided to leave the party and go back to the original apartment. By that time I had picked up a girl and she really wanted to give me head so we entered one of the open rooms at my friend’s apartment. Unfortunately, by that time I had forgotten about my shit incident so I let her start. After two minutes of what I am guessing is the smelliest head she has ever given, she got up, walked out of the room, and never came back. Her and her friends refuse to even look at me now.
-Jake, ISU