"Issue One Hundred and Nine" by 105%-O-Matic

No money down. The more you owe us, the better.

Isn't it funny that things that are the least scary, like puppies or little old ladies, are the scariest to see driving cars?

-Kyle Kallman

My aunt is so allergic to dogs, her eyes start watering even when I mention her dead dog.

-Shawn Pearlman

School House Classic Rock: I'm just a Bill. Yes I'm only a Bill. And I'm sitting here on Capital Hill. Well It's a long, long way to the capital city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won't you please take me home.

-Price Garrison

Eunuchs. UNIX. Either way, no sex is involved.

-Chris M

I usually don't sugar coat things because then I end up eating them.

-Cecilia Nguyen

I only like yoga in the third person, I don't like to do yoga, but I like to do people who do yoga.

-Briston Brocker

I wish I could talk to dogs, for some reason I freeze up whenever I go near one.

-Alexander Fine

I don't really mind descents into madness, considering they're all downhill.

-Reese Osta

I wonder if anyone's locked their keys in their car outside a Planned Parenthood, and I really wonder if they considered going in and asking if they could borrow someone's coat hanger.

-Conor McKeon

While knowing may be half the battle, the other half is pretty messy involving guns and explosives.

-Mark Harter

If Phil Collins "has been waiting for this moment all of my life" in 1981, and Phil Collins was born in 1951, is it safe to assume that Phil Collins did not lose his virginity until he was 30?

-Adam Reiffen

Today, I won in a race against Seabiscuit. I can't stop talking about it, even though it's like beating a dead horse.

-Ryan Lodge

Click here to submit your own 105%.