Roommate Confessions: Issue 80

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

Hey Shell! I meant to ask you before I moved out, by how much exactly did you fail the chemistry final? It must’ve been really bad since you couldn’t cheat and use the notes you had programmed into your graphing calculator. I deleted those while you were in the shower. Try to not be such an asswipe to your new roommate when she has friends over next year. You could adopt a new sense of humor too.
Jessie O., School Not Given

Remember when you shit in the toilet and clogged it? Yeah I know that happens all the time, but remember the specific time when I came home from class and peed in it, and it overflowed all over the carpet? Yeah you were in the other room playing Smash Bros by yourself and calling me a douche while I was cleaning it up. Sorry if your shower towel somehow got mixed in to the cleanup process. It looks a lot like the other cleaning towels. You know how those things are. Wait, maybe you don’t.
Joey O, UCSB

Remember how you told my overly protective and conservative mother that I smoked weed? Well, I passed the drug test she gave me because I got two different people’s piss to use, but not before spraying it all over your pillow with a squirt gun. Sleep tight.
Julie M., School Not Given

Hey buddy, remember when you broke your legs drunk the other night? Yeah, well you didn’t fall. I pushed you. Maybe next time you won’t walk around all day without a shirt on. Thanks roomie. P.S. Next time don’t black out after 2 beers. Tool.
J.A., School Not Given

Remember when all three of your girlfriends simultaneously dumped you? No they didn’t find out about each other like you thought. I showed them all (separately) your Valtrex prescription (I used to be a pharm tech dumbass, nice try with the “its for my allergies”). When Molly came over that one night begging for it, and when I refused she asked why, so I showed here it. The look on her face was priceless. That was just ‘cause I hated you, but remember when you tried to cut me out of the profits from that grow room we put together? Then I moved out, I figure you knew it was me that called the cops, but I bet you were surprised when they found that half o of blow in your room. After that you tried to fight me in my driveway but I whooped your ass, my neighbor laughed, the cops showed up and you got charged with assault (it’s assault when you attack someone in front of witnesses on their own property). Then you slashed my tires and broke my windows in the middle of the night, little did you know I had a security camera setup that recorded you doing it and your car driving away – three strikes bitch! Do they let you read CollegeHumor in prison? For future reference, don’t try to rip people off who know about your illegal activities.
G.B., UMD

Submit yours here!