Dear Kevin,

I'm sure you get thousands of fan letters so I understand if you don't reply. Tonight I wept in sorrow knowing that I will no longer be able to slowly drift to sleep listening to your soulful music, and witty banter with Mr. Leno. Since you are ending your career with the Tonight Show, I know must be concerned about your future. I can put your talents of laughing a mediocre jokes to good use and give you a sense of stability in these troubling times. I would like to offer you a job offer to help fill the gapping void in your life you must now be feeling. Although I cannot offer you a salary, benefits or even television airtime,I am offering you the chance to come and live at my home, (actually my Parents) and be the band leader in my own talk show. The show is performed five nights a week in my studio (Actually my parents living room.) We have been receiving great reviews from my mother. I am a budding young comic who plans to break into the exciting world of talk show hosting. I know that with your help I may be able to rise to the level of a public access television host. Please respond back so we can work out the details in further.

From the years of watching the show I am well aware of your marijuana, pornography and masturbation additions. I want to make myself perfectly clear and lay down some ground rules before my parents will let you come over.

HOUSE RULES

Keep masturbation to the bathroom only and no longer that 15 minutes. Also do use the good hand towels for cleaning purposes

You cannot invite an of your negro jazz musicians into the house without first giving proper notice (My mother doesn't trust them)

You may never speak about the Philadelphia Eagles in a positive light and the hat must not be worn in the house. (Sorry Philly sucks)

I know you get the munchies in your dope fueled haze. Please chip in for food and don't eat the last of the cereal

Thank you,

I look forward to hearing back from you