Staff Picks

Dan

Kevin Eubanks needs a job

by Dan on

Dear Kevin,

I’m sure you get thousands of fan letters so I understand if you don’t reply. Tonight I wept in sorrow knowing that I will no longer be able to slowly drift to sleep listening to your soulful music, and witty banter with Mr. Leno. Since you are ending your career with the Tonight Show, I know must be concerned about your future. I can put your talents of laughing a mediocre jokes to good use and give you a sense of stability in these troubling times. I would like to offer you a job offer to help fill the gapping void in your life you must now be feeling. Although I cannot offer you a salary, benefits or even television airtime,I am offering you the chance to come and live at my home, (actually my Parents) and be the band leader in my own talk show. The show is performed five nights a week in my studio (Actually my parents living room.) We have been receiving great reviews from my mother. I am a budding young comic who plans to break into the exciting world of talk show hosting. I know that with your help I may be able to rise to the level of a public access television host. Please respond back so we can work out the details in further.


From the years of watching the show I am well aware of your marijuana, pornography and masturbation additions. I want to make myself perfectly clear and lay down some ground rules before my parents will let you come over.

HOUSE RULES

Keep masturbation to the bathroom only and no longer that 15 minutes. Also do use the good hand towels for cleaning purposes

You cannot invite an of your negro jazz musicians into the house without first giving proper notice (My mother doesn’t trust them)

You may never speak about the Philadelphia Eagles in a positive light and the hat must not be worn in the house. (Sorry Philly sucks)

I know you get the munchies in your dope fueled haze. Please chip in for food and don’t eat the last of the cereal

Thank you,

I look forward to hearing back from you


See More Popular Articles
Like this Article
URL Close
Dan

Dan

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
Work Sucks Awful work stories See All »
Up +59 Down
Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.