Weapons of Mass Destruction

Have you ever found yourself in a museum, observing priceless, century-old artifacts and marveling at their existence even after their creators have long gone? Ever think how fun it would be to take a nice, solid bat to it all?

I think at one (or many) points in his or her life, every person dreams of bouncing a basketball in a china shop. For some reason, demolition is entertaining to us. It’s the thrill of doing something absolutely forbidden and unheard of that excites us from top to bottom (of our soccer cleets). But sometimes, the basketball just doesn’t cut it. The human race has come up with so many innovative and new technologies that we are no longer forced to settle for throwing something the size of a large rock. So, the next time you’re standing in an antique store, here are some modern weapons to consider:

The Baseball Bat: A solid, wooden bat can do wonders. Use this for the classic china shop, antique store, or historic museum. You can get right in the action, and because this weapon requires no electricity, the feel of it smashing everything to bits is much more organic. You really get in touch with your inner Dennis the Menace.

The Flame Thrower: Paper beats rock, right? But what beats paper? Fire. Though this weapon dispenses the delayed gratification factor, it’s definitely worth it. Take your flame thrower to your nearest bookstore or clothing boutique, and have at it. Con: you may have to invest a few extra bucks in some gasoline in which to douse everything beforehand.

The Chainsaw: This instrument is probably the most versatile. Effective anywhere from a Build-A-Bear store to a wedding bakery. If cartoons have taught us anything, it’s that chainsaws can plow through even cubic zirconia almost flawlessly, so why leave this thing at home? Adrenaline rush increases as you not only swipe stuffed bunnies’ heads clean off, but you can actually hear the roar of the blades, begging for more.

The Machine Gun (interchangeable with The Nail Gun): Use this weapon for more heavy duty or harder-to-reach objects, such as marble sculptures or the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. While this instrument might not guarantee absolute eradication, it’s still pleasurable to deface these valuable entities. Imagine shooting every naked statue in the crotch. It’s like taking the football in the groin to a whole new level.

The Hand Grenade: Ideally suited for smaller venues, such as a newspaper or hot dog stand. While you’re not actually involved in process of obliteration, it’s extremely fun to watch sandwiches, magazines and lottery tickets go flying in every direction. Plus, the added suspense of waiting for the grenade to go off once you’ve thrown it is exhilarating.

The Wood Chipper: Probably the most inconvenient, but definitely the most effective. You can throw in pillows, irreplaceable paintings, G.I. Joes, or even your neighbor’s yappy dog and they’ll all be reduced to rubble. Just make sure you don’t fall in yourself, because this weapon is unforgiving. I was kidding about the dog, by the way…

The Bare Hands: However, sometimes nothing is more satisfying than annihilation with your own two hands. Though this process will take longer, you can really get your creative juices flowing. Throwing things against walls, or throwing things against other things, it’s all great. You can even create themes! Imagine smashing the Mona Lisa over Michelangelo’s David’s head: Renaissance Artist theme! And remember not to underestimate your good friend, Gravity.

Note: These ideas are for imaginational use only “ do NOT try this at home. But if you must, wear a hard hat.