Smoking kills. Especially when it’s a smoking hotel full of people.
I’m a recovering alcoholic in the sense that I like to drink to recover from my hangovers.
I went on a raw food diet. I’m only consuming nachos, hot dogs, beer, and anything else they sell at WWE Raw.
I am terrible with the Internet and computers. I realized this the other day when I was online and couldn’t find any pornography.
My boyfriend and I fight about the future a lot. I want two boys and a girl, and he thinks the Earth is going to be destroyed by robots in 2023.
I wonder if fish vaginas sometimes smell like human.
I recently gave a speech at a nudist colony. I was nervous, so I imagined everyone in the crowd with their skin off.
Fuck swearing.
I took the special glasses they give you when you see UP and walked into Terminator Salvation. I got kicked out in 3D!
My favorite part about being a watchmaker is that I can set my own hours.
I drink a lot. It’s not that I’m an alcoholic. I just believe fat chicks deserve a chance.
I’ve been looking into real estate lately, but the police report calls it “peeping.”
I really want to see George Carlin in concert, especially now that he is dead.
I’m takin’ home the gold…
If my hand is an extremity, does that make masturbation an extreme sport?Descartes’ Playground Comeback
You think, therefore I know you are, but what am I?Amnesty International Representative With Too Much Free Time
“Considering the injustice of being chained up against one’s own will, banks are the Darfur of the pen world.”I know this black guy who’s always talking during movies. He’s an actor.
Why is 20 the age of consent in Germany? Because neinteen was too confusing.
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Hot athletic girls working a pole
Put that English degree to work over-analyzing beloved children's entertainment.
A good resource if you base you fantasy football team on great hair.
Dear roommate, please stop leaving your notes everywhere.
Cody Kennedy. Not pictured: clothes.
Don't tell me where Waldo is. Now you've ruined it.
This injustice will not stand. Largely due to the packaging.
It's rare to find sculptures of this caliber
For those who understand data sets, but not the mysteries of the heart
Just a few more quarters... I know I can get this baby.
