"Issue One Hundred and Eleven" by 105%-O-Matic

I'm a recovering alcoholic in the sense that I like to drink to recover from my hangovers.

-Jon Robbins

I went on a raw food diet. I'm only consuming nachos, hot dogs, beer, and anything else they sell at WWE Raw.

-Adam Newman

I am terrible with the Internet and computers. I realized this the other day when I was online and couldn't find any pornography.

-Justin Perry

My boyfriend and I fight about the future a lot. I want two boys and a girl, and he thinks the Earth is going to be destroyed by robots in 2023.

-Sarah Schneider

I wonder if fish vaginas sometimes smell like human.

-Steve Strzyzynski

I recently gave a speech at a nudist colony. I was nervous, so I imagined everyone in the crowd with their skin off.

-Dan Gurewitch

Fuck swearing.

-Jake Hurwitz

I took the special glasses they give you when you see UP and walked into Terminator Salvation. I got kicked out in 3D!

-Amir Blumenfeld

My favorite part about being a watchmaker is that I can set my own hours.

-Alex Schmidt

I drink a lot. It's not that I'm an alcoholic. I just believe fat chicks deserve a chance.

-The NTC

I've been looking into real estate lately, but the police report calls it "peeping."

-Streeter Seidell

I really want to see George Carlin in concert, especially now that he is dead.

-Jon Early

If my hand is an extremity, does that make masturbation an extreme sport?

-Brent Burelle

You think, therefore I know you are, but what am I?

-Dennis Nedry

"Considering the injustice of being chained up against one's own will, banks are the Darfur of the pen world."

-Conor McKeon

I know this black guy who's always talking during movies. He's an actor.

-Patrick Cassels

Why is 20 the age of consent in Germany? Because neinteen was too confusing.

-Ethan Brewer

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