7 Best History Channel Apocalypse Specials (and what they mean to you)

THE NEXT ICE AGE

The glaciers are constantly moving, no seriously, they are. The world is going to flip its shit and go all Greenland style. Greenland isn’t the nice one, Iceland is, Vikings were mildly retarded publicists. So…long story short, you’ll be glad you ˜bought’ that north face last time you were at the bar, and screw that bitch Karen that told you being able to withstand -40 degree temperatures was useless.

NOSTRADAMUS

Has it occurred to anyone that this is probably just pure psychosis? Toni Morrison did it too, cept she hat the balls to get rid of punctuation…pesky little fucker.

“The wand in the hand is placed in the middle of the tripod’s legs.
With water he sprinkles both the hem of his garment and his foot.”

It sounds like the ass hole from your freshman poetry seminar that tried to make everything way deeper than he could actually be and thereby relied entirely on ambiguity and reading it in a spooky voice. I know the circle of desks is confusing, but its not a fucking camp fire Dan…put the flashlight down. Keep the fleshlight, you’ll need it.

THE MAYAN CALENDAR

Its all over in 2012. Being a Literary Arts major was totally worth it. I’m sure your cousin Steve will be totally pissed when the world ends while he’s taking his o chem final. Also this is when the Kyoto protocol expires, making Steve’s absurd knowledge of the carbon credits allotted to each nation even less useful than when he recounted them to you at Thanksgiving dinner.

THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK

Man, I wish the Watchmen would download quicker. I think we’re like 5 minutes away from killing everyone. I blame Russia. As you’re a Literary Arts major we’re not even going to go into Nuclear Non-Proliferation, watch Dr. Strangelove, then we’ll talk.

THE ANTICHRIST

Rev 13:18 666
Jn 5:43 Another shall come in his own name
1 Jn 2:18 Antichrist shall come
Isa 30:31 The Assyrian; also Mic 5:6
Rev 13:1 A beast
Rev 17:12 The beast; also Rev 13:3,4,14,15,17,18; 16:13; 17:7,8,12,13,16; Dan 7:11
Rev 17:11 The beast…is of the seven
Rev 17:11 The beast…is the eighth
Rev 17:8 The beast…shall ascend out of the bottomless pit
Rev 17:8 The beast that was and is not
Rev 17:8 The beast that yet is
Rev 13:12 The first beast
Dan 7:19 The fourth beast (a kingdom, also a king); also Dan 7:7,23
Isa 28:20 The bed
Isa 28:20 The covering
Isa 28:15 Death; also Isa 28:18
Dan 9:27 The desolate
Isa 28:15 Falsehood
Rev 16:13 Like a frog (really? frog?)
Dan 9:27 He; also many other verses
Isa 28:15 With hell; also Isa 28:18
Isa 28:17 The hiding place
Rev 13:5 Him; also many other verses
Rev 6:2 Him…(that) had a bow
2 Thes 2:9 Him, whose coming is after the working of Satan
Jn 5:43 e Him ye will receiv
Dan 7:8 Little horn
Dan 7:20 T hat horn (hat horn….)
Dan 7:11 The horn
Dan 7:20 The other…horn
Dan 7:21 The same horn
Dan 7:8 This horn
Dan 2:33 Of iron; also Dan 2:35,41,42,45 (fuckin Dan, I told that kid to sit down)
Dan 8:23 A king of fierce countenance
Dan 7:24 Another…king
Dan 11:36 The king
Dan 7:17 The (fourth) king
Rev 17:10 The other…king
Isa 28:15 Lies
Isa 28:17 Refuge of lies
Rev 13:18 A man
Dan 7:8 Eyes of a man
2 Thes 2:3 That man of sin (or lawlessness)
Ezek 21:25 Profane wicked prince of Israel
Dan 9:26 The prince that shall come
Gen 3:15 Thy seed
2 Thes 2:3 The son of perdition
Rev 16:14 Spirit of (a) devil
Rev 16:13 Unclean spirit
2 Thes 2:8 That wicked

No, but on the real, this is from a Christian website that my dyslexic ex-boyfriend stumbled across while trying to get to imdb.

MEGADISASTERS

Remember The Day After Tomorrow? I assume this one is going to be slightly less excruciating because the universe does have some sense of justice and Jake Gyllenhaal will die first. Maggie Gyllenhaal will be second, she will scream out in pain in the horrible voice that she narrated the end of The Dark Knight with, never before had I yearned for a cast member from Dawson’s Creek. My roommate will be third for referring to Maggie Gyllenhall as ˜droopsfacemcgee’.

LIFE AFTER PEOPLE

So fungus comes first cause we’re all banking on a Matrix like situation, whatever happens we’re fucking with our sun contact. What doesn’t need sun? Fungus. My roommate has done extensive experiments in this field. Distance from the bathroom and running out of the soap my mom packed in my ‘school shit’ box (…there was only one) kind of accelerated the necessity of proof. The brain trust has come to a conclusion and we can say unequivocally, fungus does grow on top of macaroni and cheese when you leave it under your bed for 2 months. Its like that Simpsons episode where Lisa creates her own society, but I think this one gave me asthma.

WHAT IF THEY’RE ALL RIGHT?

Based upon my calculations this is the only way it could happen:
In 2012 an asteroid is heading towards earth, and we thought Reagan’s star wars plan was dumb…anywho, Obama decides that we can use this as a weapon to take down China; clear our debt, and not piss off Russia. So, we go up there and rather than going Armageddon style, Ben Affleck just changes the trajectory slightly so it’s aiming at China. When it hits China their Nukes as well as India’s go off. Republicans get totally stoked for a hot second because they wont get connected to a call center located outside of Bangladesh. The sun gets blacked out. The water freezes because it isn’t warmed by the sun. We all die in like 16 different ways, but the fungus in my dorm room starts a brave new world. And Obama is the Antichrist.