Your Changing Body: College Edition

This is Johnny! Johnny is hygenic, well-shaven, not an alcoholic, and dresses like Carlton Banks. He’s a freshman at State University Community College and is about to go through a process that will change his body forever: “college.”

Johnny recently began his classes, and he has been feeling a little strange. Johnny’s gut is bigger, he sleeps for 10 hours a day, he calls everyone “bro,” and his liver is starting to fail. That’s because his body is changing! Johnny must have a lot of questions, and we have answers!

I’ve noticed that I’m getting way fatter!

Good catch, Johnny! When someone is going through college, they will gain lots of weight due to excessive beer intake, replacing the food pyramid with a stack of Pizza Rolls and burritos, and only excercising when its Wii-based.

Everyone around me seems to be growing man-boobs. Will that happen to me too?

Absolutely, Johnny! Breasts aren’t just for girls anymore. As your body runs out of places to store your excess fat, your chest will begin to fill out nicely. You might want to get a training bra, because your low self-esteem isn’t the only thing in need of support anymore!

I woke up today and I feel awful! I thought sleep made you feel better!

In your old body that was true, Johnny! But since your blood is gradually being replaced with alcohol, hopps, and barley, you will wake up feeling groggy, you will have a headache, and you will be sensitive to light. Occasionally you will wake up with a member of the opposite sex sleeping with you in your twin bed. And in rare instances, they will not accuse you of date rape.

I’m growing hair where there was no hair before…like pubes on my face.

Ha ha! No no no, Johnny, those aren’t pubic hairs! That’s your patchy neckbeard that you haven’t shaved since the last time I saw you wearing anything but sweatpants. God knows how long it’s been.