"Issue One Hundred and Thirteen" by 105%-O-Matic

Turn on, tune in, drop out. In that order EXACTLY.

Every movie made before 1990 should just be called a "premake."

-Andrew B.

They say that neanderthals went extinct because early humans hunted and ate them, which is just horrible. Now I'll never know what they tasted like.

-Streeter Seidell

I was having a conversation the other day that got really awkward because I kept blurting out curse words at random times throughout the discussion. I tried to explain that it was due to a disease that I have. It's called alcoholism.

-Jon Robbins

What came first, HBO or DiGiorno Pizza? Because their slogans are surprisingly similar.

-Shawn Pearlman

Juggling

Juggling is the hardest, most impressive way to get people to not like you.

-Patrick Cassels

Any circumcision is a female circumcision if it goes badly enough.

-Matt Gorman

I want to install rear spoilers on my car, but I can't find any bumper stickers that say "Rosebud's His Sled" and "Bruce Willis Is Dead."

-Conor McKeon

Anyone know the special move in Street Fighter 4 that let's me regain control of my adult life?

-David Angelo

Eating a raw burger is tartarded.

-Adam Newman

Instead of trusting all cars to follow "Deaf Child Area" signs, wouldn't one "Cars Will Wreck Your Shit" sign at the end of the child's driveway be way more effective?

-Steven Turner

It must be very confusing for J.K. Rowling to sign her text messages.

-The NTC

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