10 Favorite Things About Being A Barista

The most common characters seen around the cafes nowadays largely fit into one of 10 categories. They are:

1) Families. Loud, hungry familes. 10 minutes to close. For an added bonus, these Cleavers haven’t a concept of personal space and are 50 cents short. Kids will be kids and there’s no sense in chastising them in public, causing a scene. Wait until later when you’re at home to politely suggest that they not throw croissants you haven’t paid for at each other and spill hot chocolate on their chairs and piss themselves. Children are people, too, and should be treated with a BOGU kind of respect if they are to grow up to be productive members of society.

2) Quiet People. This is a coffee shop after all and using your inside voice is appreciated. You must be a librarian! I like to guess whether you said Cinnamon Roll or Stripper Poll. What a fun fun game! Of course, if I don’t get your order right you may have to raise your voice. I’m a little slow you see. As you guessed I am in fact retarded and do not know what a soy chai latte is. You better come behind the counter and show me so I don’t get wrong for somebody else.

3) Bad Tippers. I really don’t deserve that dollar. All I did was make coffee and I obviously like doing it because I smiled so it’s not even really work.You encourage me to work harder to one day truly earn that tip.

4) Lizard people. I’m sorry that 60 degrees is just too darn hot for you! I don’t normally encounter the cold blooded variety but I’d be just tickled pink to turn it down some more! Anything for you just-a-tea-thanks! Your drink will really taste that much hotter if the AC is at 40! How I wish the AC used Kelvin…

5) Homeless Guy. Of course I’d like to give you money from the register and a free bag of chips. If I seem perturbed, it’s on account of I’m a spoiled racist fucking bitch who ain’t never knowed what it like to be judged by people. You were right! It’s that lovely smell of urine and smoke that says, “sophistication.” It really turns me on. Call me when you get your check from the NBA and we’ll make babies in a cop car – promise!

6) Politicians. You are so well-dressed and important looking. It is so thoughtful of you to allow me to listen in on your phone calls. I will surely use this knowledge to better myself and advance in the world. Since speaking with you I’ve come to realize that I will never really go anywhere in the arts and I need to get a real job. How deluded I was before! I always thought I’d just be discovered and not have to be talented, study acting, sing, or dance. Now I know better!

7) Your mom. Even though we don’t speak to each other, we’re friends on facebook and that means something. I love hearing about you from your mom because it makes me feel like I’m a part of your busy, well-rounded life. By the way, I totes agree with her that your new girlfriend is cuter than all your other girlfriends – myself included! I can’t wait to meet her at your birthday party.

8) Hipsters. Or Hobos. I can’t tell the difference sometimes which is so admirable. You’re really calling attention to socioeconomic isssues and making me think about my choices. I apologize sincerely for not having those gluten-free vegan harvest vegetable sugarless muffins only found in communes and that one time at Whole Foods. I’m so disgusted with this non-organic unsustainable cotton urniform shirt that I can’t even wear them anymore! Do NOT even get me started on these Old Navy khakis. From now on, I promise to serve lattes in the nude and unshaven. It’s time to make a difference!

9) Decaf, non-fat, sugar-free Super Grande drinkers. You are such an inspiration to all with your healthy habits. If I had the willpower I, too, would order a cup of water.

10) Highschool Jobseekers. Nothing would please me more than to get to work with you. You remind me of my mom, too! Only I guess you’re a little taller and a little thinner. Dot your ‘i’s with hearts and stars; my manager loves that and will surely take you for a professional with great work ethic. You are so wise for one so young and I bow to you as my superio. Please, have a cup of coffee on me!