Father's Day Gift Guide

It’s the third Sunday in June, and a couple of people know what that means: Father’s Day. Here are some last-minute gift ideas for all different types of Dads.

The “Devoted” Father:

Your dad will do anything to see his progeny succeed; constant encouragement and hugs make you feel happy and safe. For this Father’s Day, get him a gift that will expand the way you two can spend time together: try a Mickey Mantle baseball glove.

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The “Best Friend Dad” Father:

You two share everything together; catches in the yard, steaks on the grill, occasional jokes about how you were the best mistake he’s ever made. He’s kidding, right? This Father’s Day, get him a tent for that big camping trip you two plan to take as soon as he gets the promotion to VP of Eastern Sales.

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The “Hard Working” Father:

He said a promotion wouldn’t change anything, but he’s been spending an awful lot of time in the office. It’s been three weeks since your last catch together, and the tent you bought him has set up permanent camp in its unopened box. Oh yeah, and one stressful night he let it slip it wasn’t a joke; you were a mistake. This Father’s Day, how about buying him a smooth bottle of Scotch to help calm him down after a long day’s work.

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The “Alcoholic” Father:

You’re getting concerned since your Dad’s “special Scotch” has become his go-to breakfast, lunch and dinner. Your family therapist, Dr. Rosen, recommended getting your dad a camera so you two can start preserving your few special moments together. Good news is the tent you bought him is getting put to use since Mom decided it’d be best if he slept in. You cry yourself to sleep most nights now, but Mom reassures you his camp-outs are just temporary.

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The “Divorced” Father:

Well, Mom was wrong. The tent has transformed into an apartment in the city. It’s a good thing you gave Dad that sweet camera though, so he can send you pictures of the sweet goatee that he grew after the divorce. That Corvette he bought himself is really cool too; definitely a better decision than paying the child support. At least it looks like Best Friend Dad is making a comeback, although it’s a lot less fun now that he’s sleeping with your friend Susan. This Father’s Day, give him a heartfelt card that pleads with him to change his “new lifestyle”.  

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The “New Step Father”:

Dad is yet to respond to your card, or your dozens of phone calls, but now there’s a new man of the house. You’ve tried warming up to him by calling him Dad, but he insists that you call him Walter.  You appreciate his generous gift of sending you to boarding school so there’d be more room for his pet parakeet and you want to get him a present that is just as thoughtful. You think about coming home for Father’s Day Sunday, to maybe play a round of golf with Wally, but surprise, surprise; he and your mom are away in Bermuda. That’s okay though, because you’ll just throw a rager at home and not clean up a thing. Oh, and guess what, Walter?! Your bird got loose and is flying his way back to Australia. Happy Father’s Day Mortherf*&%$#!!!!


Co-written by Josh Rabinowitz.