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My Childhood Toys at War

by Brian Murphy on

Stretch Armstrong is being held captive in the lair of the evil Skeletor. His limbs are tied to toy cars.

Skeletor: Tell me the location of the GI Joe secret headquarters!

Stretch Armstrong: spits in Skeletor’s face

Skeletor: You want to make this difficult? Very well. Foot soldiers, warm up the Hot Wheels.

Stretch: Hah! You think you can stretch me to death? That’s kind of my thing, man.

Skeletor: There are limits to your powers, Mr. Armstrong.

Foot Soldier: The cars are ready, sir!

Skeletor: Commence stretching.

Stretch: Hah! It’s no use, Skeletor!

Skeletor: Further.

Stretch: starting to strain Agh…it won’t work. It can’t!

Skeletor: Further.

Stretch: ALRIGHT! Damn it, I’ll talk. I’ll talk!

Skeletor: motions for cars to stop

Stretch: It’s…under the hood of the old Power Wheels.

Skeletor: See, Stretch? Things are so much easier when you cooperate.

Stretch: You son of a bitch…

Skeletor: Now finish the job, men. We’re through with him.

Stretch: WHAT!?

Foot Soldier: But sir, he-

Skeletor: I SAID START THE DAMN HOT WHEELS!

Foot Soldier reluctantly signals to continue pulling.

Stretch: YARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Stretch is pulled to the breaking point. His limbs tear, leaking greenish goo onto the carpet.

Skeletor: excitedly So THAT’S what was inside!

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I wish ya'll would stop being so vindictive...

So my freshman roommate (like 6 years ago) was awesome, and we were totally suited to live together. Neither one of us was bothered by the other's poor habits or vices. We kinda hung with different crowds though, and I would often stay with friends for days on end and come back to our room at random times with no notice. No worries but 90% of the time he'd be whackin it... Read More » when I came in the room. He'd never fail to do the "hunch over the laptop and look really intently at the blank desktop screen like he was looking for something" pose when I suprised him. This happened literally about 15 times over the year. I would usually be sober, but I pretended to be so drunk every time and fake stumble to the bathroom like I didn't notice, giving him time to adjust himself and save him the embarassment. Your welcome buddy, happy masturbating!