Moments of Clarity: I've Got Some Ideas For Reality T.V.

While I was sitting over at my friend’s house last night, I realized that there really, really isn’t that much on television anymore. It wasn’t even that late but it seemed like every other thing that came on was either an infomercial, some copycat “reality” show, or just some assinine bullshit where the whole intent of the show was to rot the brain. Now, I used to watch T.V. all the time but not anymore. I can honestly say that I haven’t consistently watched network television in about seven years. I miss the days of a kid with dreams of making it big in Hollywood actually paying attention during their Mass Media classes and after they graduated they made some high quality entertainment.  Back in the day, I could watch shows because they were good and innovative.  But the new shit, I just can’t deal with. The worst of all is reality television.  I fucking hate reality T.V. and anything that reminds me of it. The last good reality series was The Real World and while I may have liked it in the past, in my opinion it has sucked big pickled donkey nuts for the past few seasons. To put it simply, I’m tired of the crap that is on the air now. So I got to thinking about the state of what is on television now and I realized this may be my chance to break into the industry.  Since television is such a barren wasteland now, I decided to create a few new concepts for programming, seeing that they seem to let any dumbass with an idea at least get a pilot episode:

I’m sure by now you’ve seen Xzibit and his show on MTV, Pimp My Ride, the show that answers the age old question of “Can I truly fit the wet bar AND the bowling alley in the backseat of my Ford Contour?”. This show gets people living in the southern California area unlucky enough to be cursed with a piece of shit car and tricks them out for free. Led by “X to tha Z, Xzibit!” the Pimp My Ride gang outfits the car or truck with all the things necessary for a vehicle to work, things that you ABSOLUTELY must have in order for it to run properly, like a flat screen T.V. in the steering wheel, a stripper pole on the tailgate, and a hibachi grill under the dash board. You know, things that you just know were options at the dealership originally had the owner decided to pony up the extra cash. Well my first show is going to be a cross between Punk’d and Pimp My Ride. I call it-
FUCK YOUR CAR!:
On this show, we get the friend of some person who has a car that is just entirely beyond their means, one which is sapping his or her wallet, to call up the show. If chosen, the “FUCK YOUR CAR” crew comes to the unlucky bastard’s house and takes the vehicle to an undisclosed location where they will have 12 hours to ghettofy the fuck out of the ride. Anything goes, short of fire and explosives, to damage this car and make it the ugliest land boat ever. They got  T.V.s in the head rest? Replace those sumbitches with two old school black and white models and have the rabbit ears sticking through the top. They got 20 inch spinner rims? Put ‘em on hubcaps. Then replace the 3000 watt cd soundsystem with an 40 watt 8 track cassette player that doesn’t work. Hell, just take the passenger seat out and swap it with a milk crate, have them use a rope for a seat belt, make the windows not roll back up then weld the fucking doors shut. Anything to make this car godawful.

Then deliver it back from whence it came.

In exchange for wrecking the car, the show pays off the damaged vehicle and buys the person a sensible vehicle to replace it. Obviously the fun in the show isn’t just seeing what the crew does to the vehicle but what the brand new owner of a hooptie’s reaction will be when he or she sees what their buddy did to them. Friendships will be ended. Lives will be lost. And you will watch.

WHOOPASS: 

I feel sorry for anyone who enjoys more than thirty seconds of Fear Factor. It is obvious that you have masochistic desires that you haven’t acted upon and you are going to hurt someone someday very badly for no real reason. You must seek help while you can because there is still time to save yourself. Now with that being said, for those who have seen Fear Factor, you truly know how far someone is willing to fuck themselves up for money…or do you? Just because a man has the guts to eat sheep testicles on national television doesn’t prove he has any balls. On my show Whoopass! all that comes into play because it is exactly what it sounds like: contestants get the living shit beat out of them and the last contestant standing (or crawling, or rolling) is the winner. Some of the games are competitive but most of them are one-sided, totally unfair, and have nothing on their agenda except causing pain and discomfort. What do you think about getting shot in the head with a potato gun while wearing nothing more than a hard hat for protection? Okay, how about subjecting yourself to improperly done accupuncture? Or having papercuts applied to strategic points on the body and then being made to run in a vat full of lemon juice? Or going three minutes while blindfolded against a professional wrestler or UFC fighter, no disqualification? Yeah, I know that shit’s harsh and I do believe a lot of people would pussy out during the games. That’s why we’d have to keep the contestants good and liquored up the entire time.

HUNTING WHILE HIGH: 

Do I even have to explain why this one would be funny to watch?

THE BEST ______ IN THE WORLD:

This one could actually work as a real show just because of the concept. I get tired of hearing people saying, “He’s the best athlete in the world” or “My mom makes the best pancakes in the world”. PROVE IT! After getting enough submissions that meet the criteria, each week our judges pick a category and using a panel of experts in the field that was chosen, try to determine who has the best whatever in the world. It would be hard for some subjects, like the pancake thing.because the number of submissions from viewers determines the next thing to be judged. So I’m sure the judges and experts would pitch a fit if they had to answer the question, “Who is the best sewer worker in the world?” but they won’t be complaining too loudly when the question, “Who gives the best blowjobs in the world?” comes up.

G.D.W.T.F.!!!:

This is a simple show concept as well and I have YouTube and CollegeHumor to thank for it. People watch so many random videos that it would be awesome to recreate that experience without the use of a computer.  It’s like America’s Funniest Home Videos beamed live and direct from the deepest pits of Hell. Basically it’s nothing more than footage of things happening where when seen for the first time, the first thing out of your mouth involuntarilly is “Goddamn! What the fuck?!”. From people balancing cars on their chin to people being hit by cars, all the footage on the show is guaranteed to get that response. None of the clips get a lead in from a voiceover and none of them are related, so in one scene you may see a guy trying to take a flaming shot at a bar and accidentally catch his shirt on fire followed by footage of a girl who can tie her nipples in a knot. You never know. “Unpredictable” would be a good way to describe this show.
“Insane” is an even better way to describe it but it just doesn’t sound as nice… 

Reality television would be awesome again if these shows were on the air. It would also be awesome again if someone didn’t have to go to these extremes just to top the bullshit on the air now. Think about that the next time you tune into American Idol and watch some bastard that you know for a fact your farting asshole can outsing.