Step One: Be punctual. Let’s say you work a 9-5 with a one hour lunch break. Show up at 8:58 every morning, leave at 5:01. Lunch can be done in 42 minutes. This allots an extra 21 minutes you can use to impress your boss. Impressive examples include: Brewing his coffee, and making your desktop background a picture of his family.
Step Two: Dress for the job you want. Just take a look at what your boss is wearing and mimic that. Note: If your boss is a woman you don’t have to wear a dress. You should probably own 366 ties; one for every day of the year, and a back-up just in case. I did mention you should wear a suit even on the weekends right? What’s that you say? Fridays are casual? Oh, I see. Wear a suit.
Step Three: Learn Racquetball. Master it. Just leave your racquet casually by your desk, your boss will inevitably ask, “You ball?” Of course you do. When the two of you play, be sure to make the games all close, but always let your superiors win. Once you’ve got a weekly game going with them feel free to get a win every now and then, but use your wins sparingly. Bosses love feeling superior. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.
Step Four: Always spread rumors about your coworkers. “Have you heard that Todd’s toupee is made of kittens?”, “Did you know that Stacy’s husband is in prison?” Remember, the more outrageous and crude the better. When it comes time for promotions, they’ll look for the go-getter with the cleanest record.
There you have it, the four rungs to the corporate ladder, follow them to the top. I’ll be there waiting for you. I’ll be the guy saying, “Go get me one large cup of coffee, black, and steaming hot. Oh, and have those numbers on my desk by yesterday morning. GO!”