The Back to Zero Theory

An eternally wise man once told me about his “back to zero” theory. As this scientific theory goes, when one consumes a massive amount of alcohol, one becomes “above zero” above baseline, at a high above where one’s normal life lies. As one goes to sleep, or passes out in a pool of their own vomit and urine, this high is quickly diminished, leaving one at a level “below zero.”
 
Accordingly, you lie at this below sea level point and you pretty much don’t have many options. You can take some Tylenol, or some heroin, and wait the hangover out… an option, yes, but depending on how many Jager bombs you did the night before, this could take until night fall. Another option is to sleep it off, but other then the proprietor of this theory, who has the time to sleep for an entire day? A normal work/school day only allows for option three… drink more.

 

Now, returning to baseline is tricky, and hardly an exact science. If you have too much to drink, you’re wasted and trying to go back to work. If you drink too little, you’re hungover and buzzed, not a good combination. The theory’s shogun hasn’t handed down an exact ratio or formula, but I like to use the 1-for-4 approximation. As in, if you drank 16 beers the night before, you must drink approximatley 4 the day after in order to return to normalcy.

 

In conclusion, the only way to efficiently return to zero is through consumption. Scientifically, a theory is always provisional, it’s a hypothesis that can never be fully proven.  However, a theory must make measurable predictions, and therefore I urge, nay, challenge any and all to employ the back to zero theory in your daily lives.  You will not be disappointed.