Simple Computer Tips: Hiding Naked Pictures Of Your Girlfriend

Hello.  My name is Zach and I am a programmer at CollegeHumor.  People e-mail us all the time asking the same thing: “How can I hide naked pictures of my girlfriend on my computer so that my friends can’t find them?“  What you do with your girlfriend is between the two of you, and I firmly believe in your sacred right to keep any digital record of those acts private.  I’ve taken the time to write out a very simple, very basic 10-step plan for hiding any naked pictures of your girlfriend on your computer.  Give it a try!

Step 1: Alter the filesystem container inode identifier string.  Choose a nomenclature that you can remember, but others will not bother with.  Something technical but not interesting (so as to not intrique your programmer friends) is easiest (Core Dumps, Defrag System Drivers, 0×923fdca etc.)

Step 2: Modify the filesystem navigator default view mode from automatically resized images to something more verbose like listing mode. This will prevent intruders from accidentally discovering the true nature of the files.  Achieve this by first locating the ‘View’ menu user interface.  Select the ‘List’ option in order to change the behaviour of the application.

Step 3: Change each filename via a unique hash algorithm that only you can decipher.  I prefer mashing the keyboard, although there are other alternatives such as rot13, md5, and sha1.  For example, rachel_hot_red_panties.jpg becomes asdlfkjsd.jpg and brittney_doggystyle.jpg becomes qwvg2is.jpg

Step 4: Hack the system registry to prevent unwanted images from appearing in the auto-generated ‘Your recent items’ list. To do this, go to Start > Run… and type ‘regedit’.  Search for the HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE/SECURITY
/ASDF/OMG/SHOWNAKEDPICS entry and change the value from true to false.

Step 5: In order to defeat the bayesian search mechanisms of your computer, remove any mention of boob, breast, or your girlfriends name from the files.  Keep in mind that if you’ve installed Google Desktop search that your girlfriend’s breasts are now part of the Google HiveMind ™ and it calculates the chances of her leaving you for your RA at 89.7%

Step 6: Take advantage of recent advances in state of the art computer security.  Create a secret word or short phrase, minimum 40 characters- This is what is known as a ‘password’- and require that users authenticate themselves to your computer as being allowed to view your naked pics by ‘logging in’. Create a security daemon that is set to erase your entire hard drive after 1 wrong password entry.

Step 7: Delete the photos from your Flickr account.  

Step 8: Hyper-encrypt the files with SHA-1024 with TripleDES Blowfish keys.  Make SURE you salt your hash strings otherwise you’re leaving yourself wide open to brute force attack vectors.  Ideally you’ll want to install a deadman switch on the harddrive and rotate your passwords hourly.

Step 9: Install a high security vault with lockout doors.  The steel needs to be a MINIMUM of 12 inches thick, with a recommended thickness of 24 inches.  Make sure that the vault itself is electrostatically isolated with multiple Faraday cages.  Hire security guards, preferably ex-military commando Navy SEAL ninjas.

Step 10: Email them to me for further encryption and safekeeping.

Good luck, and keep taking those pics.  Who knows when she’ll be famous and you’ll be able to blackmail that bitch.