Hungover Television

Hangovers are like nature’s balancing act.  They help maintain a state of equilibrium and fairness.  A hangover is like hooking up with someone’s girlfriend and getting your ass kicked, you wake up feeling like shit, but you’d do it all over again.  The television we watch when we’re hung-over varies drastically from out traditional programming choices.  Presently, my favorite shows are CSI, Entourage, and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader: Making the Team.  I like CSI because after I watch an episode I feel like I want to be a detective.  I dart around with my fingers in the shape of a pistol and pretend I’m foiling my cat’s attempts to take over the apartment.  I’m still not sure what he’s planning, but I know it involves scratching chairs, killing moths, and tossing his own salad.

Entourage is awesome because after I watch an episode, I can walk around the house and imagine what it would be like to be a movie star, or at least from Long Island.  I enjoy Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader: because of all the motivational tips the coaches have for young athletes, and all the intelligent things the contestants have to share with their national audience.  To be fair, there are probably smarter people on True Life: I’m a Meth Addict.  Regardless, DCC made my DVR list.

The point is, we all know what television shows we like to watch, but when we wake up hung-over with the television on but the remote across the room, it’s pretty much in fate’s hands.  If I could remember before I go out to leave seven Advil, the TV remote, and a bottle of blue PowerAde next to my bed, I’d be all set for morning.  PowerAde is best left unrefrigerated for rapid hydration because room temperature fluids enter the system at a faster rate.  Either that or my high school was ghetto and wouldn’t spring for some sports coolers.

The other morning I awoke to catch the film Enough, already in progress.  I lay there watching unenthusiastically while slowly dying inside.  I was mortified, but strangely unable to look away.  Enough chronicles the life of a young woman, played by Jennifer Lopez, who learns self-defense in order to kill her abusive husband.  As heartwarming of a tale as this is, I found myself wishing I had been struck and killed by a drunk driver as a child.  Lopez and her magic-jello-ass are hardly the picture of female empowerment, or acting for that matter.  Two hours with J-lo and I didn’t even have to wash my hands afterward, that’s how bad this movie sucked.

That’s the thing with hung-over television.  Even if the remote is resting right with you, you’re probably too out of it to consider picking it up and changing the channel.  It’s like when you and a bunch of your friends are all stoned and nobody seems to realize that the DVD is over and that the introduction to the menu screen has been repeating for a good twenty minutes.  Finally, someone snaps and yells “if I hear that fucking theme song one more time I’m going kill everyone in this room,” yet nobody moves.  Hung-over television is the same phenomenon.  You’ll lie there seemingly oblivious to that fact that you’re watching an infomercial about how to vacuum seal unused portions of meat.  From the moment you realize you have the desire to change the channel, your body still has to metabolize another 2 drinks before you’ll actually remove a hand from the warmth of your genitals, lift the remote, and search for better programming.

Perhaps, there is a reason behind the supposedly random show that awakes us from slumber.  Why is it that at this time, while tuned to this channel, I suddenly awake and cannot relapse to sleep because my throat is too dry to continue unconscious breathing?  Is there some greater mystic force a work here?  Maybe I was a dick to someone at the bar, and that’s why I awoke to J-lo whopping ass.  The powers that be thought I needed my ass kicked by a girl to put me back in line.  It’s like a supernatural way of sending a message to us.  It would certainly explain why my one friend woke up to the astonishment of gay room raiders.  I guess it’s all fun and games until someone wakes up to Philadelphia or Kids.