A Dance Club

So for some reason you have found yourself in a dance club, you brave soul.  First of all, I hope that you're either drunk or chasing some Grade A piece of meat. (Your boyfriend/girlfriend does not count insert whipping sound)  Now, you're there, there is no turning back and you have to make something of the night.  To help you with this, I've devised a simple questionnaire.

1) Are you 21+ or some underage punk who had to drink before you came?

-If you are 21+ immediately go to the bar and buy yourself a drink, preferrably a bottle of some sort as they are the hardest to spill and can be danced with easily (if you're actually into that sort of thing)
-If you are under 21, well, you should already be pretty hammered and only you ladies should go near the bar to see if you can't get some desperate older guy to sneak you a drink or two.

2) Can you dance? No, really, CAN you dance?

-If you are struggling to answer this one, find a girl who has seen you dance before and has no problem destroying your self-esteem.  Ask her.  If indeed you can dance, please feel free to "cut a rug" out on the dancefloor.  If you cannot dance, stay far far far far away from the dancefloor.  Hopefully this club has something else you can do, like play pool, or hang out near the bathrooms in hopes of seeing someone cute (you creep).

3) Did you come with anyone else or meet anyone there?

-If yes, do not let them make a total fool of themselves.  This includes dancing, talking to that ugly guy/girl over there in the corner, leaving with that ugly guy/girl (unless your friend is also ugly, in which case, I hope they're nuetered), or just acting normally.
-If no, I suggest you just punch yourself in the face five times, then leave, because really, what the heck man? What … the … heck?  If your a girl, then my new Corvette is parked outside if you're looking for a wild ride.

4) Are you a "townie"?

-If no, enjoy yourself, you've earned it, what with all that school stuff (drinking, smoking, taking funny pills, and occasionally staring at some old dude while he talks and hits on the hot chick up front.
-If yes, kill yourself.

Well, I hope this helps, if it doesn't, I don't really care, because your failure is my success.  See ya at the bar.