What I Learned My First Semester Freshman Year

Time to pretend like your going to “really try” this semester: it’s spring. For us freshman, the fall was a time to adjust to new settings, acquire a tolerance to illicit substances, and make awful decisions that we regretted the next day. Now that we’re well into the second semester, I’ve taken the time to look back at what I learned first semester.

No shave November quickly escalates into no shave every month.

The place that delivers the latest always tastes the worst.

In college, no one really notices if you don’t change clothes for a week… okay, maybe they do, but isn’t trig hard?

In your room: if it’s not within arms reach of the bed, it’s not worth it.

(Desired length of shower)/(Hours Lacking in Sleep^2) = Amount of hot water

If you were already a fat, lazy, alcoholic, pothead with nutrition problems and insomnia before coming to college, you won’t gain the freshman fifteen.

Hours of homework a day = Days wearing pajamas in a week

Girls still like assholes, but assholes that play acoustic guitar

The longer the beard, the more likely a professor is to call black people “negroes”

International students have really strange tastes in music. (Typical day of hearing music through the wall: Michael Bolton, Techno, and The Soundtrack to SpaceJam.

DDR was designed as the antithesis of a mating dance, and it’s very good at its job.

Times you check your mailbox a week/7= Letters recieved

Letters you get/5= Letters not sent to you from your school

Food Services plans one day a month to make 10 kinds of delicious food, and then it’s downhill till next month.

And finally:

Amount of crappy poetry you can stomach x Willingness to watch The Notebook = Amount of play