Round 1: Joaquin Phoenix

(Actor-turned-rapper and all-around fruity bastard Joaquin Phoenix opens door)

Peddler: Hello sir! I am a representative of Ameritronics Security and I'm doing a promotion through this neighborhood about some home security systems were offering for residential homeowners for a limited time only. Have you ever thought about getting your house protected?

Phoenix: (Long pause.)

Peddler: Uhh…because if you buy now we can give you a 10-20% discount on your homeowner's insurance.

Phoenix: (Nods, then readjusts his inexplicably retro 80's Ray-Ban sunglasses in fear of burning his retinas for exposing them to the sun for the first time in, well, probably a while.)

Peddler: And I can guarantee that your house would increase in value by at least 10% after installing one of our basic packages. And should you ever move out of this house-

Phoenix: In what way?

Peddler: Um, in what way?

Phoenix: I'm not going to talk about my beard if you make me feel weird about it.

Peddler: Oh no, I…I wasn't talking about—sir, are you aware that you have no pants on?

Phoenix: I wanted to grow a beard on the set of Gladiator. Russell Crowe, he threatened to kick me.

Peddler: (Long pause.)

Phoenix: (Longer and weirder pause.)

Peddler: Look, I just want to know if you're interested in a home security system.

Phoenix: Well, right now I'm just focusing on my hip-hop career. Som— (Bird flies by, long pause ensues). Sometimes I make rhymes out of words in my head.

Peddler: I didn't ask you about your music ca—

Phoenix: Yesterday, I wrote a song about my cat. Her name is Dixie. Dixie told me I could never grow a beard as cool as hers, so I served her with a rap song. Get it? Served? I "served" her because I'm a rapper. You wouldn't understand.

Peddler: Your beard is moving.

Phoenix: Later me and Dixie are going to make it rain on them hoes. Would that interest you, by any chance?

Peddler: I could be wrong about this, but I think there's a colony of keebler elves living in your beard.

Phoenix: Well, not if you're going to make me feel weird about it.

Peddler: What? I didn't ask you anything. Wait—do you want a system, or not?

Phoenix: (A tree branch moves a little, prompting another long pause.)

Peddler: They built a disco-tech. The elves built a disco-tech inside your beard. It looks like they're getting funky, now.

Phoenix: I think I'll retire from Hollywood. Michael Jackson is dead. The world needs me now more than ever.

Peddler: Ok, you know what? Obviously you don't need a security system, so… I'm gonna go.

Phoenix: I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem thick-skinned/ And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind.

Peddler: Wait…isn't that from that song from The Lion King? Whatever, I'm walking away now.

Phoenix: When I was a young G, I dreamed of giving piggyback rides…

Peddler: Dude, please stop following me. Oh hey, look over there! An amorphous, nondescript object that looks existential enough for you to stare at a long time!

Phoenix: (Mime walks by, long pause ensues…)