Drunken posts from my roommate

First post ever – “she’s got one leg.”
“-easier access.”

I CAN BE YOUR HERO BAAAYBEEEEY
….I CAN KISS AWAY YOUR PAAAAIN

hahaha MY MOM IS IMMORTALIZED VIA FACEBOOK never take that down pleeease.

ps why am i posting on your wall when im sitting on your bed? sup. look to your left, hi.

YAAAAY WALLLLL YAAAY

1. hot new pic. fgt.
2. i did just send you 3 bumper stickers post-fischo.. i’m not drunk shut up
3. you’re snoring. stop it.
4. lets’ get me some nachos.

it’s about that time for a late night post while you’re sleeping across the room. i just peed myself and literally screamed after looking over to see brandy taking a bath, then crawling up the side of her cage towards me. i’m surprised you didnt wake up.

ps. jism.

ps you’re still snoring. and you taped the fridge shut and im not coherent enough to rip the tape off to get another red bull/chocolate milk. dick.

pss – smegma
t’s about that time of night when you’re asleep and snoring and i just downed an energy drink and 2 more no-doz… and am not drunk, writing on your wall.

currently, i am purposely running over to your side of the room to fart and standing for a hot minute, then coming back to my side. to laugh to myself.

ps – i’m fucked for math. DAMN YOU ALANDMAN..

pps – i just wanted to prove i fixed my mistake. also, TONY DANZA.

BEING THE LITTLE SPOON IS SO DEMEANING

remember that time when we went thru all our facebook pics and deleted the ones with alcohol present in them? HAH. also remember that time when you had too many applications on the way down to your wall?

ps – ur #6 toughest, i’m #1. taste. it.

1. look fuckwad, you gotta take better care of our little momentos. some of those bumper stickers were sent drunkenly post-fishco and will never be found again. …until fishco this year….
2. enjoy that new one. i called no homo before i sent it, dont worry.
3. baller profile pic, taken by yours truly. your hair looks fan-FUCKING-tastic.
4. don’t get excited, Paul.

WHEN ALL THIS IS OVER, I THINK YOU AND I SHOULD GET AN APARTMENT TOGETHER

“what’s your last book called, the one about your relationship with your mother?”
“I Love You, but Please Die.”

1) i know what you’re wondering, and yes, i am standing in the kitchen directly outside my room on my computer right now because the internet cuts off as soon as i walk through the door into my room.
2) that was a run on sentence. don’t you judge me.
3) i one-upped myself with the animal slaughters this time and just sacrificed whitney. you weren’t here to be my accountabilabuddy. im not sorry.

1. i just made your wall disappear on my screen accidentally and couldnt find it again for like 5 minutes.
2. roger says hi. not really. he hates you and loves me. face it.
3. stay strong, remember, cigarettes are for prostitutes. only prostitutes.
4. i hate you.

theres a cheesburger on top of your fridge? did i put it there?

1. RICK I NEED A BURRITO TO CALM MY NEEERRRVES
2. THEEENK OUTSIDE THE BUUUUN
3. fuck you. i’m out.

oh and also: just bein miley.

oh ps – its a legitimate fear, she was rifling through my shit.

list of things we need in our room this year:
1. bunk beds.

thats it.

after going through 76 – count em’, 76 – pages of bumper stickers, i found this one you have just received. Clearly, Pepe is not gay, and Ken better not be gay, or there goes our team FILF. Moral of the story, Ken Kessler, the man, the myth, the legend, not a homo.

“hold on, whats that smell… it’s kind of familiar..”
—“it’s spermicidal lube.”

there is no “I” in team… but there is an “I” in pie. And there’s an “I” in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team… I don’t know what he’s talking about.