The Wingman Gets Laid Off

MIKE: Phil, could I see you in my office for a moment, please?
PHIL: Ummm…….you mean the couch in front of the flatscreen TV?
MIKE: Yes, exactly…..now, would you like anything to drink? Water? Coffee? Jagerbombs?
PHIL: I’m good. So, uh, what are we doing tonight? Hitting up the pubs? Maybe a club?
MIKE: Well, that’s actually kind of what this concerns, Phil. Now, in the six months since I met you at intramural soccer, you’ve been a great wingman, by far the best I have had, to be honest. You’ve been a great team player by going home with some of the worst-looking women I have ever seen just to ensure I can hook up with her hot friend. You’re not afraid to put in long hours of overtime, fucking a manatee of a girl you just met so she can’t cockblock my advances on those hot girls she was with. And when I tell girls we’re professional athletes or an up-and-coming hip-hop duo, I admire how you go above-and-beyond not only by affirming my lie, but even providing a grandiose, but believable, backstory to make it sound legit.
PHIL: Well, thanks, Mike. I’ve tried to be the best wingman I can be.
MIKE: Yes, I know. But, unfortunately, times are tough, and I need to cut costs. So, Phil, I really hate to say this, but….I’m going to have to let you go.
PHIL: What? But…why?
MIKE: Well, I’ve decided to go in a different direction.
PHIL: How so?
MIKE: Lately, I’ve exhausted my budget and put in long hours not just meeting girls at the bar, but spending time with my prospects and booty calls. But, due to accepting more and more of these girls in a peak period, combined with some seasonals coming home from college for the summer, I’ve had to make some drastic cuts. Eventually, I found there was only one girl who’s hours I didn’t want to reduce, so I promoted her to “girlfriend”.
PHIL: So, you’re saying that my…
MIKE: Yes, Phil. Now that I’m off the market, your services are no longer required.
PHIL: But, where will I go now?!
MIKE: Luckily, I have a lot of single buddies accepting applications for a wingman position. Now, I warn you, they don’t go out that much so hours would be a little more unstable, but it’s better than nothing. Given your job performance here, I’d be more than happy to put in a good word for you!
PHIL: So, that’s it? After six months of hard work as a wingman, I just get tossed, just like that? And the best you can offer me is a reference?
MIKE: Oh, there’s one more thing…passes Phil a folded piece of paper.
PHIL: What is THIS?
MIKE: The contact list of the promiscuous booty call girls I also had to let go. I’m sure they’d be willing to provide you with some much-needed support until you get back on your feet.
PHIL: Welfare never sounded better!
MIKE: You’re welcome. But my girlfriend will be over in 5 minutes, so I’m going to have to escort you off the premises now.