Gin smells curiously like christmas-time, more specifically, pine needles. I felt, while drinking, if I was to burp a "gin burp" into someone's face they'd kindly thank me.

If a doctor ever told me I was dying, I'd reply, "you're lying" and it would most likely result in a brief but awkward silence. Due of course to the rhyming, not the impending doom.


Incase you haven't heard, you're deaf.

Best On Screen Duo – and the nominees are:
1. Milo & Otis
2. The Fox & The Hound
3. Sifl & Olly

The Coy & Stylish Emo Hipster does not count as a halloween costume, full cover charge still in effect. $1,000,000 please.


Naps are for babies. Powernaps are for real men and/or sleepy babies.

True or false, there's an episode of The Simpsons, Season 1, where Bart gets a tattoo that says "Mother" but Marge walks in when the artist has only inked "Moth" and stops him! Later, the Simpson Family Christmas money jar is emptied to have the tattoo removed. Answer? True.

Why do people wait in long lines to get autographs? Depending on your spot in line, you're going to get a real good idea exactly how many other people will have what you're in line to get. The special-ness of acquiring an autograph is being the only one who has.


Unless you're a scholar, writing as you speak isn't a good thing.

Otherworldly is a good way to describe taking a double of tequila sans chaser con the *SYESYHAPYCFTYMTSFP reaction.

*Squint your eyes, shake your head, and put your clenched fist to your mouth to stop from puking

Funerals are no fun, but the after-parties sure are!

Candy corn should be called candy asshole, on account of how it tastes.

Ever since I've heard of bouncing checks my plain ones just don't seem cool anymore.

If you got that last one, regardless of whether it was funny, I applaud you.

I surf the web so often, I'm going to slip into a dot-coma.

Volleyball championship today, 2:00 – Camp Onawanna VS Bug Juice

Results: Donkeylips PWND


Look, frankly that's all I've got – if it isn't good enough for you than… well than..
EAT A DICK

Until next time America, stay classy – that's my story..and I'm stickin to it. Have your pets spade and neutered.