taglinr She said that I always think with my penis, so I asked her to blow my mind. -Evan Davies Guy who misquotes Hedberg My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen baloney sandwich. I said, "No, but I'd like a regular baloney sandwich later, so…yea." -Adam Newman Looking back, I'm pretty sure my 4th grade teacher was a communist. Every time I brought candy to class, she told me to put it away unless I had enough for the whole classroom. -Pat Paulo Fruedian Slip Its when you say one thing but mean your mom. -Eric Pullman One man's trash is another man's treasure. Especially if that trash is credit card information. -Sean Schnarr I frequently wonder what the male to female ratio is at an ACTUAL Sausage Fest? -Jason Flowers What were fat people afraid of before the invention of stairs? -Kyle Kangas I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.rnSo I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -Steve W Uncomfortable Riddle A father and son are in a car accident. The father is killed instantly and the son is rushed to the emergency room. The doctor enters, looks at the boy, and says, "I can't operate on this boy, I'm a woman!" -Patrick Cassels Never put an exclamation mark at the end of "iPhone." It just looks like you're yelling the word "Phone" in Spanish. -Shawn Pearlman How many American celebrities' lives must be claimed by the Iranian revolution before Obama takes action? -Dan Gurewitch Friends are kinda like potatoes… If you eat them, they die. -Jake Ritzman Realistic Philosopher If a tree falls in the forest, and that forest is home to dozens of birds, animals, plants and bugs, do they all suffer the horribly painful death of being crushed by a tree? -Sarah Schneider Click here to submit your own 105%.