Dispatches From Freshman Orientation At The University Of Al-Qaeda

9:00 AM EST:
Welcoming Address (Guest Speaker Ayman Al-Zawahiri)
—One awkward moment: The ringing of the speaker’s phone prompted him to apologize for “blowing up” in the middle of his speech. This unfortunate choice of phrase caused everyone in attendance to take cover under their chairs. We all had a laugh over our faux pas, and were promptly reprimanded for laughing.

10:15 AM EST:
Ice Breakers
—Because socializing is forbidden,“ice breakers” consist of a group of people sitting Indian style in a circle smashing a large block of ice with hammers. It is by far the most enjoyable ice breaker I’ve ever participated in.

11:30 AM EST:
Lunch
—I sit down at the “outcast” table on the outer edges of the cafeteria with the other white people. To my right is Paul Kearney,Undeclared, who ordered the Death To American Chop Suey with a side of Dills of Afghanistan. On my left is Christine Johnson, Communications, with a tray including Fatwanton soup and U.S.S. Coleslaw. On my plate is The Great Satan (a.k.a Western) Omelette and Freedom Fries. Otherwise enjoyable lunch interrupted by three orientation counselors starting food fight with us then proceeding to hide under the table occupied by several Pakistanis.


1:00 PM EST:
Showing of Al-Qaeda Training Video

—Video is roughly an hour and a half long, with the kind of piss-poor production and writing quality one would expect from a staff entirely devoid of Jews.

3:00 PM EST:
Physical Training Exercises

—P.T.Es are what we’ve been accustomed to seeing on American television, and are essentially an obstacle course comprised of monkey bars, a series of tires, a swing, a slide, and a rudimentary wall. It’s unclear whether P.T.Es are grossly underfunded, or if Al-Qaeda is secretly planning an attack on American playgrounds and/or dog shows. My money’s on dog shows, as they later test our broad jumping prowess by throwing a stick into an above ground pool.

3:45 PM EST:
Snack Time

—Everyone is given 3 Solemn Prayer-size Snickers bars. (Side note: It’s only the first day and I’m already sick of all the puns.)

5:00 PM EST:
Closing Address (Guest Speaker Osama Bin Laden)

—45 minute speech, the majority of which I spent thinking to myself, “Conan was right, he does look like Scottie Pippen.” Also I’m pretty sure the last 20 minutes was nothing more than random “Hoosiers” quotes and Whitney Houston lyrics.

5:50 PM EST:
Traditional Celebratory Gunfire

5:50 PM EST:
Traditional Celebratory Taking Cover From Wayward Bullets.

6:00 PM EST:
Ceremonial Virgin Sacrifice

—Cancelled due to untimely fornication of last remaining virgin. Man I love college!