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Eddie Small

If the Phrase "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" was True

by Eddie Small on

Stevenson: Alright, so if we add these mortgage payments together, what do we get?

Johnson: Umm…I’m not sure.

Stevenson: You’re not sure? What do you mean you’re not sure?

Johnson: A lot of these numbers have four digits. I can only add up numbers that have two digits. And honestly, with anything past 40 I usually just write 100 and hope for the best.

Stevenson: Hmm. Well, I don’t even know what “digit” means, so I doubt I’ll be much help. What should we do?

Johnson: We could ask Sarah. She’s supposed to be really smart.

Stevenson: Hey, if you want to risk touching a girl, go ahead. Just remember our health insurance plan doesn’t cover cootie shots.

Johnson: What! I thought our boss said he was working on that!

Stevenson: He was, but he hasn’t really gotten the hang of writing his t’s yet.

Johnson: They still come out looking like l’s?

Stevenson: Yeah. So we are covered for “coolie shols,” whatever those are.

Johnson: You mean the insurance company didn’t correct such a simple mistake? Aren’t those guys supposed to be looking out for us?

Stevenson: Don’t be so naïve, man. You know the more coverage employees deny the longer nap time they get.

Johnson: It figures. God, how did I even wind up at this place? You know, my real talent was in finger painting. My stuff used to make the fridge on a daily basis.

Stevenson: Sure, we all wanted to be finger painters. But you can’t afford to provide for your family on that kind of salary, especially not with the holidays coming up.

Johnson: Oh, I’m not worried about the holidays. My kids have been really good all year, so I’m sure Santa will take care of anything I can’t afford to get them. Now come on, let’s at least take off early today. They’re having a reading of The Cat in the Hat down at the old Discovery Zone, and supposedly the guy doing it actually knows how to sound out every word.

Stevenson: I don’t know, it’s only 2:00…

Johnson: Did I mention I scored some Fun Dip off a guy I know at the nursery school?

Stevenson: Awesome dude, I’m in! But what should we do about these mortgages?

Johnson: Oh, just approve them all. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

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Eddie Small

Eddie Small

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Horrible Discovery

I work in Apparel at a department store, and I usually have to take care of the fitting rooms, like making sure clothes get hung up and put back and such. So, last week I get to work and began to check the ladies fitting rooms, and I get to the big one that's supposed to be reserved for handicap and women with small children, but some of the other employees will let whoever... Read More » in. When I open it, I see hangers everywhere, and 2 pairs of jeans stuffed underneath the bench. Assuming that someone had stolen jeans and left their old ones, I get down on my hands and knees and go to pick them up. Well, they were our jeans....and they were wet. Some lady who was trying on jeans peed in them and on the floor, and I got to discover it. I immediately dropped them and sprinted from the fitting rooms to the bathroom (that is on the other side of the store) to wash my hands. I washed them pretty much raw, but even so, I feel like they will never be clean.