An Experiment on Your Substance Abusing Friends

by Catherine Webb on January 30, 2007

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In this experiment, you have asked your friends “Would you like to order a pizza?” and your friends are responding based on which substance they have been abusing.

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Your friend’s normal response (control): “Yeah, sure, dude.Want to get some hot wings, too?”

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Your friend that has been abusing alcohol: “Ooh, mann…I don…I dunno, man…I shink ahmigh…I mighta haad-“gross vomit ensues “Yeaaah, Ihad one b’fore we shtart’d drunking.”

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Your friend that has been abusing marijuana:“DUDE!Like, I just totally was WANTING a pizza!You just, like, read my mind!Let’s get a one!Dude, let’s get FIVE PIZZA’S!And you know, dude, I would chip in, but…I’ll catch you on the next one, right?”

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Your friend that has been abusing mushrooms:“Why, yes!I have been to .”

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Your friend that has been abusing cocaine:“Can I roll it up and snort with it?”You: “Uhm…no…it’s pizza…”Your friend:“FUCK PIZZA!Hahahahahahaha!”your friend punches you in the face

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Your friend that has been abusing LSD:“That sounds- DEAR GOD THE FLYING DINGOS ARE BACK!THEY BROUGHT THE ELEPHANTS!EVERYBODY HIDE! –What were you saying?”

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Your friend that has been abusing Red Bull:“PizzaissooogoodIwouldLOVEapizzacanwegetpepperonie?OMGLOLKKK!”

Your friend that has been abusing Axe Body Spray:“Only if we can get extra sausage and chill back at the room while you…uhm, we eat it.”

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Your friend that has been abusing pornography:“NOT COOL, MAN!THE RUBBER BAND WAS ON THE HANDLE!GET THE F*CK OUT, DICKHEAD!PUT THE F*CKING CAMERA DOWN!IT’S NOT FUNNY!”