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The Hotter Your Girlfriend

by CH Staff on

Self confidence
Discomfort caused by divorced Uncle Ned
Number of heterosexual single guy friends from back in grade school that still talk to her a lot
Masturbation
The chances of being a seventy-nine year old oil baron with emphysema
Amount of time you hang out with friends
Number of hours awake in bed waiting for her to come home from “girl’s night out” or at the very least TEXT you
How cool your girlfriend is

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Have you thought about your soul

I just joined a natural products company as a sales representative and am really excited about it. The other day I was on a plane next to a really nice old couple. After a few minutes of small talk, they mentioned that they both had bad arthritis. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to tell them about our products. I gave a 10 minute talk about how our products... Read More » could improve their daily life. They listened intently and then ended by saying they would not need it because God would tell them when to die. Turns out they were Jehovah's Witnesses, who spent the rest of the plane ride concerned about my immortal soul.