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105%-O-Matic

Issue One Hundred and Seventeen

by 105%-O-Matic on

Superior Readability.

I like to say, “You only live once.” Not because I’m adventurous, but because I like pissing off Buddhists.
-Matt Sandler
Copernicus Is Your Annoying Mother
“You know, the world doesn’t revolve around you.”
-Patrick Cassels
My cell phone is anti-Semitic. A Jewish friend called and it said “Restricted.”
-Shawn Pearlman
I can spell “boobless” on any calculator with any Sharpie.
-Adam Newman
One Hundred Ways to Please Your Man
Suck his dick one hundred times.
-Mike Cence
I once thought I was going blind from over-masturbation because I went to a 3D movie and forgot to wear the glasses. I guess I must have been too busy masturbating to realize I’d forgotten to put them on.
-Bobby Ottawa
If you don’t remember doing drugs, you either haven’t done drugs, or you’ve done a lot of drugs.
-David Shultz
Learning to ride a bike is like a woman’s cleavage. Sorry, I got distracted by the idea of biking.
-Ben Kessler
Eye-rony
Why is it the only thing eye lashes don’t keep out of my eyes are other eye lashes?
-Slurms McKenzie
Something tells me that if you think it’s a good idea to click on an online “IQ Test” banner, you’re not going to be happy with your score.
-Conor McKeon
Telling a server to leave your tab open does not mean you’re an alcoholic. Unless the server is a stewardess.
-Jake Simon
Its a good thing I cry myself to sleep, because then my girlfriend doesn’t notice when I pee the bed.
-Adam Cricco
Would Superman be able to kill himself if he were depressed enough?
-Mike Cence
Time When Letting A Resume Typo Stand Might Be A Marginally Better Idea
“No, I wasn’t fired for… never mind, that’s true: I was fired for incontinence.”
-Alex Schmidt
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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.