"Issue One Hundred and Seventeen" by 105%-O-Matic

Superior Readability.

I like to say, "You only live once." Not because I'm adventurous, but because I like pissing off Buddhists.

-Matt Sandler

Copernicus Is Your Annoying Mother

"You know, the world doesn't revolve around you."

-Patrick Cassels

My cell phone is anti-Semitic. A Jewish friend called and it said "Restricted."

-Shawn Pearlman

I can spell "boobless" on any calculator with any Sharpie.

-Adam Newman

One Hundred Ways to Please Your Man

Suck his dick one hundred times.

-Mike Cence

I once thought I was going blind from over-masturbation because I went to a 3D movie and forgot to wear the glasses. I guess I must have been too busy masturbating to realize I'd forgotten to put them on.

-Bobby Ottawa

If you don't remember doing drugs, you either haven't done drugs, or you've done a lot of drugs.

-David Shultz

Learning to ride a bike is like a woman's cleavage. Sorry, I got distracted by the idea of biking.

-Ben Kessler

Eye-rony

Why is it the only thing eye lashes don't keep out of my eyes are other eye lashes?

-Slurms McKenzie

Something tells me that if you think it's a good idea to click on an online "IQ Test" banner, you're not going to be happy with your score.

-Conor McKeon

Telling a server to leave your tab open does not mean you're an alcoholic. Unless the server is a stewardess.

-Jake Simon

Its a good thing I cry myself to sleep, because then my girlfriend doesn't notice when I pee the bed.

-Adam Cricco

Would Superman be able to kill himself if he were depressed enough?

-Mike Cence

Time When Letting A Resume Typo Stand Might Be A Marginally Better Idea

"No, I wasn't fired for… never mind, that's true: I was fired for incontinence."

-Alex Schmidt

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Article

105% / Issue One Hundred and Seventeen

Superior Readability.

Copernicus Is Your Annoying Mother

One Hundred Ways to Please Your Man

Eye-rony

Time When Letting A Resume Typo Stand Might Be A Marginally Better Idea