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Brian Murphy

Bro Doctor

by Brian Murphy on

Doctor: Sweet, bro. Your throat and ears are chill. You wanna go ahead and hop off the table, or some sh*t?

Patient: Uhh…sure.

Doctor: Tits. Alright, now I’m gonna need you to drop your pants. No homo.

Patient: Removes pants

Doctor: Just a quick F-Y-I; not gay, just gotta grab your sack to check for hernia.

Patient: Right.

Doctor: Aw, gross dude!

Patient: Doctor, if you could be a little more profess-

Doctor: HAHA! Yo, it’s hairy as sh*t. Like if you stuck gum on a gorilla.

Patient: I’m feeling very uncomfort-

Doctor: YO, YOU’RE GETTING A BONER. WHAT THE F*CK DUDE!? WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?

The doctor jumps up and feigns throwing a punch, then starts laughing when the patient flinches.

Doctor: Haha! Just playin, bro. No bone.

Patient: Could we please wrap this up?

Doctor: Sure. I found a bump. You may have testicular cancer.

Patient: WHAT!?

Doctor: It’s cancer in your balls, bro.

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Brian Murphy

Brian Murphy

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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.