Count von Count's Screen Test for Twilight

Casting Director: I’m going to have you read the part of Edward, the compassionate vampire, and I’ll be reading Bella, his human love interest. This is the scene where they confess their love for each other, so it’d help for you to really bring out the tenderness of the moment. Okay?

Count: Yes. Count can do this.

Casting Director: Alright, then. Let’s get started. You have the first line.

Count: (in a loud operatic voice) Look! It’s twilight! My favorite time of the day.

Casting Director: Yes. And soon the stars will fill the sky.

Count: I love the stars more than almost anything. BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY TO COUNT! AH AH AH AH AH! ONE STAR! TWO STAR! FIFTY-NINE STARS! AH AH AH AH AH!

Casting Director: …Hmm. Why don’t you try to read it straight through without any improvisation, and then maybe we’ll do a second reading.

Count: Yes, of course. My apologies. From the beginning?

Casting Director: From the beginning. And maybe a little less loud this time.

Count: (in a shout-whisper) Look! It’s twilight! My favorite time of the day.

Casting Director: Yes. And soon the stars will fill the sky.

Count: I love the stars more than almost anything. They were my only solace before I met you.

Casting Director: Oh Edward! I want to be with you forever.

Count: But how? Forever is infinite; you are temporary. It is more years than a mortal can…COUNT! COUNT THE YEARS! ONE YEAR! TWO YEAR! THREE YEAR! AH AH AH AH AH! I WILL COUNT FOREVER! A MILLION YEARS! EIGHT MILLION YEARS…

Casting Director: Alright, that’s enough. I think I’ve heard all I need from you, I’ll give you call if…

Count: …FOUR TRILLION YEARS! NINE, TEN, ELEVEN ZILLION YEARS! AH AH AH AH! (It thunders in the near distance and a violent wind fills the room.)

Casting Director: Okay, please, this is getting creepy, if you could just leav-

Count: YOU LOOK SO GOOD! I WANT TO BITE YOUR NECK AND MAKE PUNCTURE MARKS LIKE THE NUMBER ELEVEN! AND THEN SUCK! YOU WILL TASTE LIKE APPLES AND ORANGES AND ALL THE THINGS I CAN COUNT! AH AH AH AH! ONE ORANGE! TWO ORANGE!

(The casting director pours a bag of Skittles out the window and Count jumps to his death, counting all the way to the ground. Of course he doesn’t actually die since he’s a vampire, so he kind of just lies there, chewing on a pinecone and humping the ground.)

Assistant to CD: What did you think?

Casting Director: Far too much talent.