*Note: In my effort to prove to the college humor people that I am worthy, here's a sample Jake and Amir Sketch because those guys are the shiznit-arino. And OK, yes, I did write myself into it
butttt a girl's gotta dream!
AMIR walks into the office purposefully ignoring ADRIENNE. Amir sits across from JAKE.
JAKESo the new girl started today.
AMIRWhat new girl?
JAKEThe one your team hired Monday.
AMIRHuh. What project's she working on again?
JAKEHuh. Shouldn't you know that since it's your team?
AMIRYou must be confusing me with the other Amir
JAKEUgh. There is no other Amir " Remember you said you got her hired because she was hot and you wanted to do inappropriate things to her?
AMIRUghh to you. That sounds like something you would say
so I would say similar things to agree with you, but not really mean them.
JAKEI said she was pretty, which is not what you said.
Amir turns around to see Adrienne
AMIRWhat's that smell? Fresh meat! I'm gunna take me a bite out of that hot ass! Rarrr!
JAKERight. That's what you said.
AMIROnly because you said it first. Up top!
Amir puts his hand up for a high five. Jake doesn't react. Instead Adrienne runs over and high fives Amir.
ADRIENNEWoo! I'm the fresh meat! Hahaha.
AMIRWow, I don't even care that you were listening in on our private conversation, but how dare you steal Jake's high five??
ADRIENNEOh! I didn't mean to
It just looked like Jake wasn't going to give you a high five back.
AMIRUmmm, Jake was too going to high five me. Duh.
JAKENo I wasn't.
Amir puts his hand up for a high five. Adrienne slaps it.
AMIRStop doing that!
ADRIENNEYour hand just looks so sad all by itself.
AMIRDon't judge me! Away!
Adrienne walks away sadly.
JAKE(whispers)Wow. Way to be a complete douche to New Girl.
AMIR(loud)Well she was a bigger douche to me.
JAKEI don't think she was. I think she likes you.
JAKEEww? Are you 10? You don't Eww hot, new girl.
AMIRSo you're into her?
JAKENo. She's into you.
JAKEStop with the Eww! Be nice.
AMIRNice like take her to lunch, or nice like tap that fine ass?
JAKEDefinitely not the second thing you said.
AMIRDefinitely the second thing I said? Then ahha! It was my plan all along to tap that fine ass. I was a douche to her on purpose, as I am to you, because that's how love happens.
JAKEThat's how suicide happens.
AMIRYou're just jealous that I'm going to have pussy all over my face before lunchtime, and you'll still be sitting here with a mouthful of your own pathetic saliva. Unless you want to come.
JAKENo. That is so gross.
AMIRNew girl's into it.
Amir puts up his hand for another high five.
JAKENo she's not.
With his high five hand still in the air, Amir turns to an eager Adrienne.
AMIRBitch! What did I say about listening to our private conversations!?
ADRIENNEYou said you don't care as long as I don't steal Jake's high five
which I didn't.
AMIRDamnit, you're right! Jake, we need to figure out a way to sound proof our desks before
JAKEFocus Amir! She just agreed to hook up with you! Go get some pre-lunch pussy.
AMIRHoly beJesus, you're right. Can I call it brunch pussy?
JAKEIt's not the weekend.
AMIRIt is now. Soo
Do you want to come with me?
Amir stands, puts out a HIGH FIVE for Jake.
Amir HIGH FIVES his own hand
then runs out the door.
AMIRI need HR!!!