Though my mom tells me differently, I've got the worst luck with women. Once this hot, hot…smoking hot neighbor of mine invited me up to her place for a few drinks. I mean, she was hot "with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you." So I decided to take her up on the offer and went up to her place.

We drank a bit, smoked a bit – then she shows me around her place, shows me her walk in closet. I make my move and she responds…sort of. She gives me a peck on the lips then moves in for a close body hug. I mean, WTF. She tells me that we should be friends? Uhhh…don't friends typically go out for dinner…wait, friends? What, are we 12? What woman invites a man up to her apartment for drinks only to be friends? Whatever.

I recovered and poured myself another glass of wine. That's when I sat down and noticed that she bought a new TV and it was still in the box. I said, "hey you got a new TV" to which she replied, "Thanx, I was wondering if you could help me set it up."

Mind you, I do have a mustache and I smoke, so maybe I reminded her of Schneider? Can you believe that? I thought she was going to go down on me 10 minutes after walking through the door, but instead, I'm the one doing the handiwork.